On my highway travels this morning I passed a billboard that simply read, Jesus was unfriended. That’s it. Nothing more. No pictures. No other text. Nothing. I was perplexed. First of all, I had no idea Jesus was even on Facebook. But more importantly, what the hell did Jesus do to get unfriended!?!?
Is Jesus a Boss Babe? DMing people he hasn’t seen since high school to tell them about an incredible opportunity? What is it Jesus? Are you selling supplements? Jesus! Do you sell LuLaRoe? Their clothes are very tunic-like. That would make sense.
No, if it was going to be anything it would be essential oils. Frankincense. Myrrh. Duh. Of course, that’s it! Jesus is out there driving a black Suburban from the early aughts, stickers from Etsy all over the back window. I have an oil for that! Oil hustler. All I need is Me and essential oils.
If that’s the case then I’d unfriend Jesus too, but I highly doubt Jesus would fall for an MLM. I doubt even more that Jesus would want to dupe his friends. Maybe Jesus got unfriended because he’s a vaguebooker. Off to dinner. Wish me luck! I’m about to find out who my real friends are. Everyone hates a vaguebooker. Just give us the gossip! Let us know you think Judas is an asshole. We think he’s an asshole too.
Is Jesus one of those people who posts bad food pictures? I once unfriended someone for always posting bad food pics. They were out of focus. The color was off. Sometimes it was served on a paper plate. It infuriated me. Style your food before you post, people! And no one wants to see your boxed macaroni and cheese with ketchup drizzled on it. No one.
You’d think someone who could provide more bread than Olive Garden would know how to capture the essence of that glory with a smartphone, so I’m not convinced that’s why Jesus was unfriended. But he could turn water into wine so maybe he’s a shitposter. A rich Cabernet Sauvignon will make me have opinions absolutely no one needs to hear, and those are the ones I will scream out the loudest.
If I could turn water into wine AND I had the type of family dysfunction JC had I’d scorch the earth with my Facebook posts. So, did anyone else’s mom tell their dad their pregnancy was an ‘immaculate conception’ or was it just mine? Asking for a friend. But something makes me think an actual lord and savior has a greater ability to rein in their thoughts than, say, a perimenopausal hot head such as myself.
Is it the gym selfies? Is Jesus kinda into himself a little too much? Figures the son of God would have a bit of an ego. And let’s face it, dude is ripped. He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders and and has the delts to show it. Let’s not even start on the washboard abs. If I had a body like that I’d put it on a billboard. But I don’t. And therefore I don’t need to see that. Especially since I am most likely eating fistfuls of potato chips when I’m seeing it.
Maybe he checked in at the emergency room but didn’t tell anyone why he was there. Like, are you dying or did you have a minor mishap while cutting a bagel? Am I going to be attending a funeral in the next few days or did you just need a really expensive bandaid and some attention? Give us some clarity.
Maybe he’s constantly asking for prayer requests with no explanation. Prayer warriors I need you. You don’t need to know why. My dad knows all about it! Why would I even need to pray for you, Jesus? You’re the literal son of God. Just have a chat with him. Sort it out. They used to tell me if I said enough Hail Marys I could wipe the slate clean. You can go that route too.
I’ve racked my brain for all the many ways a person is deservedly unfriended on Facebook and I’m sad to say I’m no closer to solving the mystery of why this has happened to Jesus. But now I feel a tiny bit better about myself and the numerous times I’ve been unfriended. I mean, if this guy can’t keep Facebook friends then how the hell are any of us expected to?
And if you have any idea why Jesus was unfriended, please feel free to leave them in the comment section below. I’d love to hear your theories. Maybe together we can crack the case.