This Is What Happens When You Don’t Listen To That Pug

If you don’t know what pug I am referring to I would like to know what rock you have been living under. You know the Pug. You have to know this pug. His name is Noodle. He was on the Today Show for the love of Christmas! Ya know, bones or no bones. Ringing a bell?

Ok, if you don’t know I’ll give you a quick rundown. He’s a pug. He’s really old. If his lovely owner Jonathan picks him up out of his bed and he flops back down it’s a ‘no bones’ day. You have to be careful on a ‘no bones’ day. Stay in bed. Don’t make any big decisions. If Jonathan picks him up and he stands it’s a ‘bones’ day, your day is going to be okay. Get allllllll the stuff done on a ‘bones’ day.

Thursday was a NO BONES day. It was very clear. There wasn’t a hint of bone in Noodle’s entire body. Not even a whisper. I was warned. NO BONES! Read a book. Stay in bed. Eat cookies. I know this! Why didn’t I listen?

I consider myself a reasonably logical human being, but I will never understand what possessed me to leave the house on a no bones day. For whatever reason, I tempted fate and left the house and drove two hours away to go for a hike. It’s peak fall color in the mountains. The weather is great. Why the hell not?

I knew this area would be a little busy because of those peak fall colors I mentioned, but it was a Thursday so I didn’t think it would be so bad. And that’s what I get for not listening to the pug. He specifically told me to stay in bed and take care of myself. But I didn’t heed his warning, did I?

No. I did not.

Instead of listening to the pug I drove two hours into the mountains to a trailhead and found every single parking space was taken. Cars lined both sides of the road driving into the parking lot and out of the parking lot. They were stacked up along the road outside the parking area. I did another once around and nothing. No space anywhere.

I did not listen to the pug.

I was unfamiliar with this area and it was a little too late in the day to go looking around for a new spot to hike. I decided that instead of wasting the day entirely I would drive along the Parkway for a bit and drink in those fall colors, get a few pictures of the autumnal glory around me. Apparently, the rest of the country made the same decision.

Has nobody listened to the pug today?!?!

I saw Georgia plates, New Jersey, New York, California, Virginia. Even Vermont. VERMONT. Vermont, you have your own leaves. And it’s a no bones day. Go home!

The views were breathtaking. The colors were heavenly. But it was so overcast that every picture I snapped looked like it was taken with a T-Mobile Sidekick. Then it started raining.

And then!

Then!

After days and days of my perimenopausal uterus attempting to have a period and me deciding this was going to be the month that I finally didn’t get a period, I got my period. On the Parkway, in the rain, surrounded by every state in the Union.

I didn’t listen to the pug. I deserve this.

So I hopped in the car and drove and drove and drove trying to find a restroom but I’m in the mountains and there’s not much around me. I finally find a rest area and I’m ecstatic because that means bathroom PLUS vending machines full of atrocious snack foods and sodas that will certainly soothe the savage perimenopausal period beast.

I take care of business then I dig FIVE DOLLARS worth of quarters out of my purse. When the hell did snacks get so pricey? But I can’t decide between sweet and savory, which is a really big deal when you’re on your period. You don’t want to mess this decision up. So I decide sweet and I get these gummy things and a Dr. Pepper.

BUT I DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE PUG SO OF COURSE I MADE THE WRONG CHOICE!

I rip open the package of gummies to find approximately 13 and 1/2 candies that were atrocious, but not in the right way. They did not satiate my hunger. They did not hit the spot. I should’ve listened to the pug. And my Dr. Pepper was flat. I don’t know if you know this, but in hell all they serve you is flat Dr. Pepper and subpar gummy candies. I’m Catholic. I know these things.

I did not heed Noodle’s very clear warning.

Traffic was awful. The worst. Accidents. Construction. Slow drivers. You name it, I encountered it. Because I didn’t listen.

So, finally I get home and I’m defeated as hell. All I want to do is finally submit to Noodle’s will and get in my pajamas and have no bones. But I decided to check the mail. For real, can someone tell me exactly what is wrong with me?

In the mail is a bill. Of course there is. And hoo boy, it’s a fat one. This is a bill you’d only get on a no bones day. And a new mystery magazine.

*record scratch*

Wait. Have I told you about the mystery magazines we’ve been getting?

Since we moved into the new house, way back in February, we’ve been receiving People magazine. I have no idea why. They are addressed to our oldest child, who is a fully functioning adult that doesn’t live with us. They did not order the magazine. We didn’t order the magazine.

No one in this family is remotely interested in reading People magazine, yet it has arrived every week since February. I could build a new house with the stacks and stacks of People magazine that I am in possession of, but have never once read.

Well on this day, a NO BONES day, a new mystery magazine has arrived. W magazine, which is fashion? I guess? I have no idea. All the pictures are of super skinny women wearing weird clothes while they’re bending themselves into odd shapes. That’s fashion, right?

What do I know? I buy my shoes at Target.

Anyhoo, this magazine has arrived. But it’s not like People stopped coming when W arrived. Oh, no. Now I have two mystery magazines coming to my mailbox and I have zero interest in either of them, no idea why I keep getting them, and also no idea how to stop it.

So now you know what happens when you don’t listen to that pug.

So listen to the pug.

Please.