A Leftist Response to Charlie Kirk’s Thanksgiving Rant

Dear Chuck,

Can I call you Chuck? Even though this is our first time meeting, I feel like I can. If it’s good enough for Peppermint Patty and Charlie Brown, it’s good enough for us. Am I right or am I right?

So Chuck, I saw your video clip on Twitter. You know the one where you carry on about some trauma that was only inflicted upon you in your own made up magical headspace? No, not that one. Nope. Not that one either.

It’s the one about liberals hating Thanksgiving. The one where you look like you haven’t bathed in a week and it seems like you’re subsisting entirely on Bang energy drinks and Funyuns. Yeah, that one.

Chuck, we need to talk.

You start out strong with your thesis, “The left has always hated Thanksgiving.” You load us up on the conspiracy bus and let us know exactly where we’re going. As a writer, I applaud that. As someone on the left, though, I might need to argue that point. But by all means, carry on.

It’s possible that you’re going to make a valid argument about how the story of Thanksgiving is a complete and total whitewashed lie that essentially tries to erase the horrors of colonialism. I’m not hopeful or anything, but 2020 has been a hell of a year, so who knows?

“Thanksgiving can be interpreted as a religious holiday…”

Eeeesh. This is where I was sure you would carry on about your mythical blonde haired, blue eyed Jesus. But you turned on me Chuck, and now we’re headed down a path of death and destruction. Leftists hate America and we think there’s nothing to be thankful for, blah, blah, blah.

And according to you we want to burn it all down, but we can’t do that when we are sitting around the table eating our body weight in gravy. Which, point taken. I can’t argue that. It’s hard to fight when you’re semi-comatose.

All leftists want to do is fight, fight, fight, but you keep pushing turkey down our throats and turkey is our kryptonite. We are powerless under the spell of Butterball!

“Now they’re using the virus as an excuse for you to not be thankful.”

*record scratch* Say what now?

We’re using the virus as an EXCUSE? Did you just actually say that? Did those words tumble from your thin, frail, junk food encrusted lips? Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Take a seat and let me tell you a thing or two.

First of all, let’s dispel one myth. Those of us on the left, we love America just the same as anyone else. In fact, we loved it so much we showed up in droves to vote your pumpkin prophet out of office and we succeeded.

Those of us on the left are mad as hell right now, that’s a fact I can’t dispute. We’re angry that the excessively bronzed, meatloaf-in-chief you dry hump in your dreams every blessed night has so brazenly lied, cheated, and stolen from all Americans, not just those on the left.

He’s stolen our faith in the presidency. He’s stolen the respect other nations had rightfully given us. His complete apathy and astounding ineptitude has stolen, to date, almost 250,000 American lives. He’s stolen our peace. So yeah, we’re a little miffed.

And do we want to burn it all down? I’m sure some do and I can’t blame them, but all the vast majority of us want to burn down, and I mean in the figurative sense, is systemic racism, the ever growing gap between the rich and the poor, corruption in politics, the housing crisis, poverty, inequities in educational access, and lack of access to quality medical care.

You dare say we’re not thankful? Biznitch, please. We are thankful AF. We’re thankful for the science your Donald tries to demonize. The same science that could have helped avert countless deaths, but was ignored by this administration.

We’re thankful for a system of government that isn’t perfect, but prevented your bloated gourd king from doing so much worse. We’re thankful that even though the Republican Party tried to use every tactic to stifle voting, a record amount of people came out in spite of that and handed Don a staggering defeat. Georgia, man. Georgia is blue.

We’re thankful that this sham of a leader, who could have pulled up his big boy britches and accepted defeat gracefully, but instead spent his days golfing and throwing Twitter tantrums, will leave 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20, 2021. Or, hopefully will be escorted out kicking and screaming on live TV. Personally, I’m hoping for the latter.

We’re thankful for a vaccine, or vaccines even, that will end this hellish nightmare we’ve all been senselessly living because your guy couldn’t do one basic thing, have empathy for humanity. Of course, he can’t. He’s incapable. He’s a damn ghoul.

And in a couple of months, Chuck, he’s your ghoul and yours alone. Y’all claimed him then, so he’s a stain on you for eternity. He’s your scarlet letter. No take backs.

And us leftists, we’re thankful for this country. We’re hopeful that it will one day be restored to its former glory. And we look forward to making it even better because shouldn’t good stuff be made better if it’s possible?

And that’s why we’re so damn mad. Your guy did everything in his power to ruin the good stuff and prevent us from making the good stuff better. He tried to divide us, and he’s succeeded in the short term, but he won’t win the war. Because, and we’re very thankful this, your guy is going, going, gone.

And lastly, we’re not using the virus as an excuse. We’ve never done that. You have. You’ve used it as an excuse to divide, to kill, to cripple, to maim. You’ve used it as an excuse to further ignorance. You’ve used it as an excuse to hate. But one day this is going to be over and I, for one, am thankful.

See Chuck, you’ve got us all wrong. Us lefties love America, we just know there’s a lot we can do to make it so much better. And, for the record, WE DON’T HATE THANKSGIVING, mostly because of the pie. And the gravy. And that cranberry sauce in the can. Not the chunky kind, though. That stuff is gross.

And we don’t want to burn it all down. Kind of the opposite. We want to build it up, but this time for everybody, not just for guys who look like you. I guess that must be what is making you so damn mad. And for that, I am the most thankful.