I Read An Amish Romance Novel So You Don’t Have To

Twitter has introduced me to many things I never wanted to know, such as the fact that an alarmingly large amount of men will proudly send photos of their genitals to complete strangers. Men on Twitter also have the capability to turn any mundane tweet into something sexual. You could tweet about loading the dishwasher and some dipshit would reply, I’ll load your dishwasher real good. Mostly it’s just men. Twitter has introduced me to men.

Men aside, no other Twitter discovery has disturbed me more than learning that Amish romance novels exist. Wait a sec. I don’t think you read that through. I said AMISH ROMANCE NOVELS EXIST. And not just like one Amish romance novel. Amazon has a ‘bestsellers’ page for Amish romance and you could scroll for days. Box sets, anthologies, Kindle versions. They’ve got it all.

In the interest of both morbid fascination and journalistic integrity, okay it was really just the fascination, I fired up a ten year old Kindle I found nestled under a bag full of random cords, none of which was a Kindle charger cord, and bought a 99¢ Amish romance novel entitled, Listening to Love. Grrr, baby. Just makes you want to rip someone’s overalls off, am I right?

And now, for your pleasure, allow me to recap the book in under three sentences per chapter.

Chapter 1

Natalie is not Amish, but she’s got the hots for Lucas who is Amish and, let me tell you, this is really bothering everyone around them. I mean, literally all they ever talk about is Natalie and Lucas’ friendship and how dangerous it is because they are from ‘two different worlds’ and a man and a woman can never be friends without wanting to boink.

Chapter 2

This is where Natalie’s loser mom, who keeps bumming money off of Natalie because she’s *HARD GASP* in debt and completely irresponsible with money, and Natalie have lunch. Conversation is as follows: Fish sandwich, God, debt, worry, can you write me check babe, fish sandwich, God, fish sandwich, fish sandwich, God, I’m worried about your dangerous friendship with Lucas, fish sandwich.

Chapter 3

Lucas and Natalie are at a party together where Lucas has to learn how to “harness unexpected warmth” surging through him. Lucas’ mom hates Natalie’s mom and vice versa. Natalie’s mom is getting hit on by the Fabio of Amish widowers.

Chapter 4

Natalie’s mom has a hot date with Amish Fabio which turns out to be a job interview where she is hired as, get this, a bookkeeper. The lady who is in deep sinful debt and who regularly takes money out of her daughter’s college fund is going to handle Fabio’s vast wealth. Seems legit.

Chapter 5

Worry, God, worry. Not necessarily in that order.

Chapter 6

Natalie’s mom starts work at Amish Fabio’s house, which is so conveniently located right next door to Lucas’ house. This makes it very easy for his arthritic nosy mom to spy on and judge everything they do.

Amish Fabio winks at Natalie’s mom and it’s a whole damn scandal.

Chapter 7

Plot twist! We discover that Natalie, whose entire life goal is to become a veterinarian, is afraid to give a kitten a shot of lifesaving insulin. Her life in ruins, Lucas kisses her, friends witness it, agony ensues.

Chapter 8

Nosy arthritic next door neighbor is spying and judging and sees Natalie’s mom’s car parked in Amish Fabio’s driveway after dark. That butter churning whore!

Instead of just maybe changing majors, Natalie decides she has to completely drop out of college because she can’t give a kitten a shot.

Chapter 9

God, agony, God, worry. Lucas’ throbbing thumb. No, that’s not a euphemism.

Chapter 10

This is the action chapter! Natalie, afraid of injecting a kitten with a hypodermic needle, is Chuck Norris all the sudden and decides she’s going to break a wild horse. Of course Lucas saves her and of course immediately professes his undying love, because of course that’s what happens.

Chapter 11

I don’t know. I got bored and skipped this one, but I’m going to guess everyone was very concerned and worried.

Chapter 12

The word ‘concern’ is in the second paragraph. I’m not even going to read this one.

Chapter 13

Damn, maybe I should have read Chapter 12. Chapter 13 opens up with butter churning whore kissing her cheating ex-husband who is trying to cheat on the woman he was cheating on her with. That’s a journey.

Chapter 14

This chapter has potato salad!

Lucas agonizes with Natalie and vice versa. He proposes. She says yes because of course she does.

Chapter 15

I’m going to need you to hold on to your bonnets because we are about to go on a wild ride, butter churning whore is arrested for writing bounced checks and funding drug runners! Amish Fabio isn’t who he says he is and he’s nowhere to be found. His house and all the bank accounts have been put in butter churning whore’s name.

Chapter 16

Apparently if you kiss someone you are an accomplice to their crimes.

Lucas and Natalie break up.

Chapter 17

Butter churning whore gets lit on vodka and fantasizes about hitting Lucas’ mom with a slipper.

Natalie agonizes and binge eats one bite of Ben and Jerry’s. Agony, God, worry.

Chapter 18

The private investigator Natalie hired to get her mother off is named David Shingles and I’m so mad about how stupid that name is. All the Amish show up at butter churning whore’s trial and say she’s a good person and I guess that’s her entire defense, but it works and she’s set free because of course that would happen.

Chapter 19

All the Amish got together and paid off Amish Fabio’s house which is now butter churning whore’s house. Natalie did Amish cosplay and Lucas and her got back together because of course they do.

Epilogue

Amish Fabio, who is wanted by the law, writes butter churning whore a letter, complete with return address, to tell her he still thinks about their kiss. Natalie marries Lucas and decides to do Amish cosplay until death do them part.

And there you have it, friends, a completely predictable romance novel full of all the things we connect to love. Worry. God. Fish Sandwiches. More Worry. Concern. Agony. God. Potato Salad. Crime. A speedy court process. Angst. Vodka. Bonnets. Judgement. Marriage, after breaking up a few times. And, of course, David Shingles.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed my recap, please share this post to your social media or comment below. Or do both. I can’t stop you. I am now taking suggestions for my next Amish romance novel to read, so you don’t have to.