What I’m Going to Tell My Grandkids About 2020

Grandma! Tell us about 2020 again!!

2020? Really? Again? Okay, if you insist. Where do we start?

Start with the mean orange man, grandma!

Ah, the orange man. Yes! Okay, once upon a time there was a big mean orange man with cotton candy hair who, for some mysterious reason, could not stand erect.

What’s erect, grandma?

Ask your mother about that one. Okay, so where were we?

The mean man with the funny hair! Tell us about him!

Okay, okay. Mean man. Funny hair. Here we go. Once upon a time there was a mean man with funny hair who used way too much bronzer. He was a failed businessman many times over who fancied himself a genius. But he was gross and creepy and not very bright. That mean man ruled over this land with an iron fist and a flaccid penis.

What’s a flaccid penis?

It’s the opposite of an erect one. So, again, ask your mother about that. Now where were we? 2020! In January, a mysterious disease began to infect people far away in China.

Were you scared?

Kids, every single day from the moment this turd took office felt like hopping on a roller coaster after drinking a case of Red Bull. Every person with a brain and a conscience was sweaty with anxiety 24 hours a day. You never knew what idiotic thing he would do next or what nonsensical drivel would be excreted from his puckered mouth.

What happened with the disease?

Travelers started to spread the disease all around the world. At first it happened slowly, a case here and there. Then, it spread faster. Other countries around the world took notice and began to implement policies that would hopefully limit the spread and reduce the number of deaths.

What did the mean man do?

From the time the mean man entered office he took a machete to every federal budget, including all the departments that could have actually done something to help us in such a predicament. And he replaced all the smart people with people dumber than him because he has a planet sized ego and needs to feel superior at all costs. So basically, the mean man did nothing. He just ignored it and said it would go away.

Did it?

No. No, it did not.

So what happened then?

A bunch of really smart sciency people were like, “Dude, you gotta do something! Hospitals are going to be overwhelmed! They’ll run out of supplies! People will die! The economy will crumble!”

Did the mean man do something then?

No. No, he did not. And that’s when the madness began. No one was sure what to do or how to protect themselves. So a lot of people started working from home and kids had to go to school at home. We had to order groceries online and spray our doorknobs with Lysol every ten minutes. And when we weren’t sanitizing everything in sight we were baking bread and watching Netflix. And there was no toilet paper anywhere.

Why no toilet paper?

To this day, no one understands why that happened.

That must have been scary, grandma.

It was unnecessarily frightening, much like every other day of the mean man’s presidency. The only happy people were Republicans and dogs because they both remained blissfully ignorant of what was happening.

Every day was bedlam! Some people were drinking bleach. Some were saying stupid stuff like, “It’s no more deadly than the flu!” Others came up with outlandish conspiracy theories about trackers in vaccines. You know why we don’t talk to our cousins anymore? Because I couldn’t hear one more goddamn word about 5G!

There was no leadership. The mean man just whined about not being able to play golf as he made individual states beg for basic supplies and try to figure out what to do. A lot of people got sick and died. A lot of other people lost their jobs. The rest of the people made videos of themselves badgering grocery store employees and talking about their imaginary lawyers.

Then what happened?

Cases started skyrocketing. People were dying left and right. People couldn’t pay their bills or afford food. Then, George Floyd was murdered and we were in the streets protesting systemic racism and police brutality. That’s when you found out which of your friends were racist. They were the ones who cared more about the ugly statues getting torn down than the actual people.

People were really that stupid?

Yes! And STILL, still the orange man with the funny hair refused to do anything to help. Oh yeah, he gave most of us a check that didn’t even cover a month’s worth of expenses. And they took Aunt Jemima off the syrup bottle. But after that everyone got bored of it all and decided it was over.

Was it over?

No. No, it wasn’t. And the madness got madder. The disease raged, but no one did anything about it. The marches carried on, but the system didn’t change. The mean man played golf. They opened Disney World! During a pandemic! Then, they started talking about sending kids back to school because a few dead kids wasn’t such a big deal.

And literally all you had to do at this point was stay home and wear a mask when you had to go out, but only some of the people would do that because the mean man refused to tell them to do it. The other ones just walked around taking gibberish about their FREEDUMS and making fun of people who did wear masks.

I don’t really remember much after that. Grandma sorta blacks out at that point, kids. Perhaps it was too many White Claws or maybe my brain just erased it all after that point to maintain whatever shred of sanity I had left. Or maybe my brain was just full, because the crazy thing is, I didn’t even scratch the surface of what 2020 was like! There was even more stuff! Bad stuff! So much that my brain couldn’t hold anything else.

I still don’t know what day of the week it is or even what year. Is the mean man in office? Are we taking hydroxycholorquine? Do we still have to stand 6 feet apart? Grandma doesn’t know because Grandma can’t know anything else. The first half of 2020 did her in.