In This House We Believe…

· Black Lives Matter because duhhhhhhh. It’s really pretty simple. We also believe if the All Lives Matters people worked on making healthcare, housing, and a living wage accessible for ALL instead of popping in on every damn Black Lives Matters Facebook post then maybe they would earn some respect.

· Trans women are women and trans men are men. J.K. Rowling recently had a transphobic fit on Twitter because the world didn’t have enough things to stress about. I guess J.K. thinks menstruating is what makes women women. Well, I just so happen to be menstruating right now J.K. and let me tell you, I’ve never felt less like a woman. I feel more like a radioactive gila monster on steroids.

Ironically enough, I felt more like a woman when Tamoxifen stopped my period and sucked every molecule of estrogen from my body, making my boobs flat as pancakes. Because I was a badass. So take that, numbskull. In this house there is no room for TERF hostility.

· In a related story, in this house we believe in singular they. And, as Merriam-Webster points out, that makes sense because it’s been part of the English language since the 1300’s.

· Wearing a mask during a pandemic is an act of love and basic common sense. If I watch one more video of a Karen bitching about losing her civil liberties to an overworked, underpaid, exhausted grocery store clerk who politely asks her to wear a mask inside their store I am going to pop a gasket. Look, we all know you’ve been cooped up in the house and haven’t complained to even one manager in months, but for the love of all things holy, just put a mask on while you spew your covid-laced suburban tirade. We promise to give you a 15% coupon for all your troubles and, yes, corporate will get back to you as soon as they’re done trying to figure out how to close the gaps in the food supply chain.

· White people should be doing less talking and more listening. And less talking about how they’re listening. Put your head down. Read some books. Listen to black voices. Donate to black causes. And repeat.

·If you voted for Donald the first time, you’re dumb. If you vote for him again, you’re dangerous. Sorry, it’s true. We believe that. And we laugh at you. That one is really true.

· Same goes for sharing fake news on your social media. I suppose anyone can get fooled once, maybe twice. Remember that news story years ago about the kid who supposedly floated away in a balloon? We were all glued to our televisions worried about balloon boy. Turned out it was a hoax and his parents were just trying to get their 15 minutes of fame.

Hell, I thought it was real for like 10 of those minutes. I’ll admit it. But then I did better. It’s not that hard to do better, people. It’s so simple. Don’t post outrageous news stories and then ask, “Is this true?” How are you living in the 21st century and you can’t Google something? I’ll give you a few freebies*, but then you’re cut off. It’s time to grow your wings and fly, baby bird.

*No, Hillary Clinton doesn’t murder children. Or molest them in the nonexistent basement of a New York pizza restaurant. Or sell their body parts. She doesn’t do any of that stuff. I can’t believe I had to say that.

*5G is not killing birds or you or me. It’s not causing cancer. And no one is faking a pandemic so they can secretly put up 5G towers while we’re all hiding in our homes.

*Plandemic is bullshit.

*Bill Gates is not trying to track you through vaccines. You’re boring as fuck. No one wants to know what you do all day, Earl.

*George Soros is not singlehandedly funding Antifa. And Antifa isn’t the thing you think it is. Good lord, use your brain.

· In this house we believe no police force needs to be outfitted like they’re about to invade Baghdad. I’m sure it’s cool to have a job where you can live out your childhood Hot Wheels fantasies, but there’s no need for you to drive a tank down Main Street, U.S.A. to bust a pot dealer. In this house we also believe you shouldn’t even be busting the pot dealer. And all the pot dealers who are currently in jail should be set free. And, while we’re at it, this house believes prisons shouldn’t be privatized.

We also believe silly things like corgis are both the worst and best dogs all at once and gummy bears have medicinal qualities, but right now life is pretty serious and those things don’t seem quite as important.

And we’re tired just like you, but in this house we believe we can’t quit until there’s some real change made. Not just memes posted. Not just another hashtag. We want policy change at all levels. And in this house, we’re not quitting until it’s done.

In this house we’ve donated to democratic political candidates in battleground states. We’ve also donated to causes such as National Bail Out and Campaign Zero.

Lastly, in this house we believe if your house believed in a lot of this stuff too we’d be living in a much better world where we could have more time to talk about corgis and gummy bears. And this house loves you.