Hey, squirrel. Yeah, you. Listen here, you fluffy tailed motherfucker. We are in a pandemic. Pan. Demic. I realize you’re flitting around living your squirrel life with literally zero risk of developing the ‘rona, but the rest of us have been sitting in our houses for months, scared as fucked.
Up until this morning, one of the things I have relied on to keep my fragile mental health from rapidly declining is watching the birds at the feeder. Cardinals. Finches. Bluejays. And most recently, woodpeckers. All peacefully munching away all day long. Then you came along.
Look, I let a lot of your abusive behavior slide. I looked the other way as you learned to shimmy your way up and down the shepherd’s hook. I didn’t say a word when you greedily loaded your tiny paws up with sunflower seeds. I held the dog back so you’d have a sizable lead when he chased you up the tree. But today, today you took it too far.
You broke the bird feeder and now vengeance is mine.
I’m going to get a new bird feeder. You can bet your sweet squirrel ass on that one. But this time it will be different. I will come back better, faster, smarter, stronger. As God as my witness, your bitty buckteeth will never taste my millet again.
From here on out that shepherd’s hook will be greasier than two buckets of KFC chicken. Trying climbing your fat ass up that. The dog shall be released with no warning. And when his fangs sink into your sunflower seed enhanced haunches I will set up a tiny coliseum in the backyard and watch you fight for your life gladiator style.
Then, I will take your pelt as a trophy and turn your tail into a glorious Joe Exotic inspired mullet to warn all your little friend of the fate that awaits them should they repeat your fatal mistake. Oh, it is on, squirrel. It. Is. On.
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay
I'm Sick and So Are You 
Our old house was bordered on two sides by a strip of forest. Squirrels occasionally got into our bird feeder, and my parents, who lived next door, lost more than one seed feeder to the little thieves. But my main complaint was raccoons. They broke two regular bird feeders and two hummingbird feeders in a two-week period. They also dug up my container garden bed and pooped in it. The final straw was when we got up one morning and found a fat little bandit licking his chops on our back deck as he polished off the second of two brand-new suet cakes I’d put out the afternoon before. He was in a food coma; he ignored our knocks and shooing gestures, just looked at me like “I’m not even sorry.” That’s when I learned what the hot pepper bird feed is for. The birds are not bothered by the peppers, but squirrels and raccoons leave them alone. I have not had a single bird feeder loss since I started using those pepper cakes — not even the hummingbird feeder. I went all out at the old house, even sprinkling cayenne on the dirt in my container garden and in a circle around my deck. Here, with no treeline close by, the suet cakes are enough. But we don’t have a dog; I would imagine that would be a powerful deterrent to even the hungriest squirrel!
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My dog will eat anything and I’m afraid I’d end up with an exorbitant vet bill if it tried that.
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Meh! Birds Schmurds. Squirrels 1 – 0 Human
I like birds, and yeah Cardinals and Hummingbirds are impossibly exotic so yes I’d feed them too, but squirrels are entertaining and cheaper than Netflix
Team Furrel here! 🐿 however my dog* totally sympathises, apologises on my behalf, and has volunteered to rid your garden of them.
*My dog is a dick.
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Ace is pretty annoyed he has nothing to chase now.
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Bran still has plenty to chase in the park, he’s not exactly hard done by 🤣
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Omg. I love you. I so needed this laugh today lol.
Slurpy kisses.
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Ha! I’m dying laughing. My husband used to grease the birdhouse pole with Vaseline–those little buggers can climb through most anything. Keep up the good fight!
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We bought my father-in-law, who has three acres of woodland for a garden and therefore many squirrels, a pump action rifle shaped water gun.
He can now mount special forces type counter-raids on the bird feeders when the squirrels are present to give them a good humane soaking, which keeps them off for the rest of the day. Sound effects of the bam,bam,bam or ratatatatatat type are not part of the guns features, so he makes them himself.
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Ha ha!! “your bitty buckteeth will never taste my millet again”–so damn funny! Thanks for the laugh-I needed it!
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My favourite aunt feels similarly about squirrels. She has attempted to thwart their bird-food stealing antics in so many ways – swinging feeders, squirrel-proof feeders (spoiler alert, they were not squirrel proof)…and oiling up the pole below the feeder. I quite like watching squirrels slide down the pole!
in general though, I quite like squirrels. They are the swear-iest of all the woodland critters here, and I appreciate that.
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“I will set up a tiny coliseum in the backyard and watch you fight for your life gladiator style”
This is now on my bucket list🥰
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That. Was. Formidable. And. Hilarious.
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Our squirrels and birds play pretty nicely together–squirrels in the birdfeeder, birds in the nut trays–they make it work. I just hate it when too much bird seed spills on the ground and then all kinds of weird weeds start to grow:-)
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