30 Thoughts I Have While Watching Any Episode Of Ozark

Like the rest of you, I am hunkered down in self isolation waiting out a pandemic. I’d love to be the type of person who writes the great American novel or becomes fluent in Farsi during my self imposed exile, but it turns out I’m just as lazy during a worldwide health crisis as I am when life is normal.

My life now consists of three things: Cooking, cleaning, and binge watching Netflix. Heavy emphasis on binge watching. Yes, I watched that tiger show. Who hasn’t? Then I watched a bunch of murder documentaries because who isn’t comforted by learning the inner machinations of a sociopath?

My sister kept pestering me to watch Ozark, but I resisted. Then I saw all my friends were watching it. But then Bravo started running reruns of old Housewives episodes and who can resist that train wreck? But eventually even I got tired of it and begrudgingly sat down to watch Ozark.

Now I’m rightfully sucked in, about to start the third season. I’m still not sold on it, but I keep watching it because, really, what the hell else am I going to do? But every time I watch it I have thoughts, abundant and rambling thoughts, because this show is kind of ridiculous.

I mean, it’s not take off your fake leg and throw it at someone during a Manhattan cocktail party ridiculous, but it’s a little absurd nonetheless. But I’m going to finish what I started because I think that’s the law now. And you might want to be thankful I’m not watching this show with you because this is what I’d be yammering in your ear during each and every episode.

1. Snacks. I need snacks. Lots of snacks.

2. Oh, god. Here we go. Take a breath.

3. Why is Marty always so calm? What drugs is he on? I’d have had a dozen strokes and 15 heart attacks by now.

4. Also, how is he not dead? As if they wouldn’t have already killed him by now. What kind of benevolent cartel bullshit is this?

5. Marty is completely doable. I’d hit that.

6. I didn’t get enough snacks.

7. I wish I lived on a lake. I mean, obviously not this lake because it’s a just little bit crazy over there. But a lake house would be nice.

8. Oh, come the fuck on! How does this much crime happen in one spot and no one gets in trouble?!?!?

9. Darlene. Yeesh.

10. Like what the actual fuck? That did not happen. No way in hell. Could not happen.

11. Oh, good. Ruth is here to teach me how to use expletives more creatively.

12. Nobody in this damn town shuts off their clicky keyboard sound, do they?

13. Good call, Marty. Great choice. What are you some kind of idiot?

14. And there’s good old Jonah, that adorably creepy scamp.

15. Why is it so fucking dark? I can’t see shit.

16. You have got to be kidding me. Come on, man! Completely implausible.

17. Is Marty wearing skinny jeans? With those shoes? I’d still do him.

18. So, again the cartel isn’t going to kill the Byrde’s? As if.

19. It’s daytime and yet it’s still so dark. How? Did they not pay the power bill?

20. Marty is never going to be able to pay back all this stolen money. No way in hell.

21. Ok, now that definitely could not happen, not in a million years.

22. Fucking Charlotte. Asshole.

23. Wait. What? Rewind that. What did I miss? How the fuck is this happening? I’m completely lost.

24. Wendy, you crafty bitch, you.

25. Oh, right. So you just think I’m going to believe that. Mmhmm, yeah. Okay. Whatever.

26. But like no, seriously, can you turn on the lights. I can’t see half your face.

27. So everyone just gets murdered here and it’s like no big deal, huh?

28. Oh for fuck’s sake! Why?!?!?

29. And Wendy’s a psycho. Yep. Fucking lunatic.

30. I am never watching this show ever again. This is it! I’m done!

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Goddamn. I guess so.