Like the rest of you, I am hunkered down in self isolation waiting out a pandemic. I’d love to be the type of person who writes the great American novel or becomes fluent in Farsi during my self imposed exile, but it turns out I’m just as lazy during a worldwide health crisis as I am when life is normal.
My life now consists of three things: Cooking, cleaning, and binge watching Netflix. Heavy emphasis on binge watching. Yes, I watched that tiger show. Who hasn’t? Then I watched a bunch of murder documentaries because who isn’t comforted by learning the inner machinations of a sociopath?
My sister kept pestering me to watch Ozark, but I resisted. Then I saw all my friends were watching it. But then Bravo started running reruns of old Housewives episodes and who can resist that train wreck? But eventually even I got tired of it and begrudgingly sat down to watch Ozark.
Now I’m rightfully sucked in, about to start the third season. I’m still not sold on it, but I keep watching it because, really, what the hell else am I going to do? But every time I watch it I have thoughts, abundant and rambling thoughts, because this show is kind of ridiculous.
I mean, it’s not take off your fake leg and throw it at someone during a Manhattan cocktail party ridiculous, but it’s a little absurd nonetheless. But I’m going to finish what I started because I think that’s the law now. And you might want to be thankful I’m not watching this show with you because this is what I’d be yammering in your ear during each and every episode.
1. Snacks. I need snacks. Lots of snacks.
2. Oh, god. Here we go. Take a breath.
3. Why is Marty always so calm? What drugs is he on? I’d have had a dozen strokes and 15 heart attacks by now.
4. Also, how is he not dead? As if they wouldn’t have already killed him by now. What kind of benevolent cartel bullshit is this?
5. Marty is completely doable. I’d hit that.
6. I didn’t get enough snacks.
7. I wish I lived on a lake. I mean, obviously not this lake because it’s a just little bit crazy over there. But a lake house would be nice.
8. Oh, come the fuck on! How does this much crime happen in one spot and no one gets in trouble?!?!?
9. Darlene. Yeesh.

10. Like what the actual fuck? That did not happen. No way in hell. Could not happen.
11. Oh, good. Ruth is here to teach me how to use expletives more creatively.

12. Nobody in this damn town shuts off their clicky keyboard sound, do they?
13. Good call, Marty. Great choice. What are you some kind of idiot?
14. And there’s good old Jonah, that adorably creepy scamp.
15. Why is it so fucking dark? I can’t see shit.
16. You have got to be kidding me. Come on, man! Completely implausible.
17. Is Marty wearing skinny jeans? With those shoes? I’d still do him.
18. So, again the cartel isn’t going to kill the Byrde’s? As if.
19. It’s daytime and yet it’s still so dark. How? Did they not pay the power bill?

20. Marty is never going to be able to pay back all this stolen money. No way in hell.
21. Ok, now that definitely could not happen, not in a million years.
22. Fucking Charlotte. Asshole.
23. Wait. What? Rewind that. What did I miss? How the fuck is this happening? I’m completely lost.
24. Wendy, you crafty bitch, you.
25. Oh, right. So you just think I’m going to believe that. Mmhmm, yeah. Okay. Whatever.
26. But like no, seriously, can you turn on the lights. I can’t see half your face.
27. So everyone just gets murdered here and it’s like no big deal, huh?

28. Oh for fuck’s sake! Why?!?!?
29. And Wendy’s a psycho. Yep. Fucking lunatic.

30. I am never watching this show ever again. This is it! I’m done!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Goddamn. I guess so.
I have to say, I’m a big fan of the Ozarks. Say what you will, it’s great TV! 🙂
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I haven’t been able to get past episode 3. I’ve been taking shit from people left and right that I’m crazy and it’s awesome. I just can’t. LOL
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Yes, yes, yes….a thousand times YES. Brigid was here for a few weeks and we watched two or three episodes of Season 3. We both would like a lake house, just not that lake, clearly they have issues. It’s just….NO, No that would not EVER happen. Why is it sooooo dark?!
Season 1 was really good, I liked it.
Season 2 showed that Marty and what’s her face are serial killers.
Season 3, I stopped watching because not one of the characters has any redeeming qualities.
Charlotte’s a dick.
Happy Easter Fish!
xo mag
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I just couldn’t with Ozark. I tried, but failed
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Now I have to watch it with this post next to me so that I can follow along!
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I’ve never seen it; don’t have Netflix. But I mean, it can’t be as good as Breaking Bad was… can it??
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Perfectly stated. Thank you!
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This was funny and I haven’t even seen it–yet!
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I’m only in season one but I agree with everything you said and am comforted to know nothing will change. I have not watched Tiger King. I don’t particularly like Tigers and I really don’t like that guys haircut, so I doubt I will. Your fake leg mention made me think of a fun game we can play (who needs the Cat in the Hat. Chicken is here to keep us all entertained). Which housewife restaurant moment was most outrageous. Any housewife, any season. Then we can progress to outrageous finale moments, outrageous nature moments, outrageous girls trip moments. Sure there might be some overlap, that’s ok. I think you might have nailed the restaurant moment, though. Anyways…your fondness for sociopathic behavior reminded me of a book you might like. It’s called “The Southern Book Club Guide to Slaying Vampires”. Sounds dumb, I know. Even starts off a little dumb. But it gets dark pretty quick. It’s 400 pages of escapism.
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I ABSOlUTELY LOVE THIS SHOW!!
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