Sleep has been hit or miss lately and last night was a restless one. During one of the rare pockets of sleep I had, there was a dream. But really, it was a nightmare.
I watched as my chunk of a dog, Ace, leapt into the deep end of a pool. He swam with all the might his tiny legs could muster. For a moment it was a happy dream, until I noticed he stopped swimming and began slowly falling deeper and deeper under the water.
My first inclination was dive right in and save him when he was just under the surface, but by the time I took my glasses off, then my shoes, then my sweater he was so deep I feared I’d drown with him if I tried to rescue him. I kept hesitating, overthinking, agonizing over the right decision, beating myself up for waiting so long until he was flat on the bottom and not moving.
I woke up in a panic to the sound of pouring rain and the faintest of corgi snores wafting from the crate next to my bed. I had let my dog drown because I wouldn’t let myself just act. I thought myself out of what I was supposed to do.
I feel like I’ve been near drowning lately. Desperately treading water and barely keeping my nose high enough to breathe, all with a smile on my face and a what can I do to help you? It’s all been so much, too much, work and not enough pleasure.
I’ve ticked off a few boxes from my Menopause Bucket List. I have purple hair now. I’ve booked a five day stay in a yurt on a farm in the middle of nowhere as a birthday present to myself, but that won’t happen until spring.
I took an impromptu weekend to a haunted forest to visit my adult child who scared the life out of me and gave me another new experience to add to the memory pile. I drank wine from a can just to say I did it, which is a good thing because now I never have to do that EVER AGAIN.
Work/homeschool/blog/life balance is continuing to kick my ass, but I’m trying to look at the long game versus picking apart my daily failures and shortcomings. Trying being the operative word.
I’m branching out into looking for freelance writing jobs and it’s got my head spinning, hence the dog drowning dream. I’m so paralyzed by how to start another new thing and fit it into this hot mess of a mix that I’m getting nothing accomplished. And creative pursuits, those are gone with the wind.
Yesterday I had a plan to schedule it all out. From 9-10 I’ll do this, from 10-12 we’ll do that, and so on and so forth. That was shot to hell in the first half hour and I never did end up getting the things I wanted to accomplish accomplished. Cue the drowning dog.
A lot was accomplished yesterday. Hell, I vacuumed the air vents. I got stuff done. It just wasn’t the stuff, the picture of perfection in my head. It didn’t get wrapped up with a hot meal on the table at 6. It ended with me forgetting to have dinner until almost 9. I hope someone fed the child.
Today, as I sit here, the rain clearing up and the dog slightly snoring, I have no idea what school will look like. The dishes are piled high. Sheets are waiting to be washed. I have to submit a blog post on what subject, I have no damned idea.
I didn’t think about all that because all that will get done in it’s own messy and unplanned way. Today, instead of thinking, overthinking, analyzing, criticizing, worrying, fretting, beating myself up, I wrote this just because.
For no other good and goddamned logical reason, I wrote a blog post about my dream of a drowning dog and how my indecision got him there. I jumped in. Without thinking, I did what I was supposed to do. For today, I was saved because of that.