On Facebook, I’ve been noticing a trend of unfriending en masse. And not just taking the proverbial power saw to your friends list, but announcing it beforehand. Letting everyone know that in a few minutes they may or may not have made the cut. Like The Bachelor, but with more roses. Or maybe less roses. I don’t know. I don’t watch The Bachelor.
Don’t be coy. You know who you are. I’ve read your statuses:
Don’t be offended.
Don’t take this personally.
Just simplifying my life.
And then we all have to sit there and wonder if, when the page is refreshed, we’ve survived the cut. It’s a lot of pressure and, truth be told, feels a little Mean Girls to me. You’re better than this.
I’ve been unfriended. I’ve done the unfriending. I’ve been blocked, unfollwed, I’m sure. And I’ve done the same. It’s an unpleasant thing, really, be you the unfriender or the unfriended.
It’s hard enough when it’s happening directly to you. So, certainly no one needs the added stress of seeing outside dysfunctional cyber relationships hit the skids too.
I have more of a ‘rip it off like a bandaid’ style. One push of a button and I’m done. No announcement. No apologies. So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Ya know?
I think that’s the way everyone should handle it. So I’ve come up with an easy solution to your unfriending problems. I’ve created the handy, dandy Reason(s) You’ve Been Unfriended/Unfollowed/Blocked Form which allows anyone to unfriend or unfollow someone they know without being rude, while also leaving the rest of us the hell out of your awkward dilemma.
Sure, you need to dump these people. We get it. But, we have enough problems in our lives. We don’t need to be to fretting about whether you’re unfriending us or the childhood friend you’ve recently discovered is racist and/or homophobic when you make these public declarations.
So bookmark this page, save it for that special occasion, fill it out accordingly and let your recently ousted friend know what’s what in the privacy of your inbox. Me and the rest of the entire internet thank you.
Reason(s) You’ve Been Unfriended/Unfollowed/Blocked on Facebook
Hello, friend, acquaintance, coworker, distant relative, and/or former high school classmate. It may have come to your attention that you have recently been unfriended/unfollowed/blocked by me on Facebook. This, in no way, reflects our friendship outside of social media, unless otherwise noted*. It is merely an attempt to preserve what is left of my sanity and may have the added benefit of preventing my hatred of you from growing and prompting me to excise you like the cancerous growth you are from all facets of my life. See, this really is a good thing.
Please make note of the reason(s) you’ve been unfriended/unfollowed/blocked below. And, far be it for me to judge, but you might want to correct some of this shit before you’ve got no friends left.
You were unfriended on ____________, ______, 2____ for the following reason(s):
_____ Excessive display of selfies with heavy Snapchat filtering. We went to high school together. I know you have crow’s feet too.
_____ Vaguebooking. Either tell me exactly what the fuck is going on or shut the fuck up.
_____ Suggesting that hand washing and toxic levels of Vitamin D are more effective than vaccines and/or any other junk science health advice including, but not limited to: literally anything you found on Goop. Gwyneth Paltrow is NOT A DOCTOR.
_____ Posting pictures of open wounds, sores, incisions, cuts, abrasions, or any videos from Dr. Pimple Popper. That shit is disgusting.
_____ Breaking up with your spouse or significant other in a status update. We all know you’re getting back together in a week even though he slept with that girl he met on Twitter.
_____ Adding me to a group message to guilt force me into buying Girl Scout cookies. Make your kid hustle that shit in in the street, getting blisters on her feet from pulling a red wagon all over the damn neighborhood like I had to.
_____ Repeated buzzkill comments on my statuses, aka Debbie Downerism. Life is hard enough, Judy! Lighten the fuck up!
_____ Humblebragging. We all know you did not wake up looking like that.
_____ Feigned outrage every February over not having a designated White History Month. Hint: White History Month is every month.
_____ Not understanding that articles from The Onion are satire. I thought it was pretty easy to understand that Joe Biden doesn’t own a Trans Am.
_____ Your astounding inability to discern which memes are true and which are not. You already have access to the internet. Why don’t you google that shit?
You were unfollowed on _____________, _______, 2____ for the following reason(s). Also, sorry I missed the news of your engagement and the news that cousin Jeffrey died. I try to check in on you from time to time, but I’m human and sometimes I forget you exist.
_____ You’re generally likable in person, but your politics are shit. No matter how you spin it, Sarah Palin is an idiot.
_____ We’re family and/or we live in the same town and may, at some point, run into each other or have to sit together at Thanksgiving. Also, I’m too much of a wimp to tell you you’re an idiot to your face.
_____ I read your about your fitness journey when I was drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating ice cream from the tub. I’m proud of you Brenda, but your abs are pissing me off.
_____ I love you, but I don’t love your MLM business. Yes, we know you’re a ‘boss bitch’ but if you tell me one more time how much selling essential oils has changed your life I am going egg your house.
You were blocked on _____________, ______, 2____ for the following reasons and motherfucker, you had it coming. Do not even try and make me feel guilty:
_____ You have committed three or more of the above infractions. I’m not the Dalai Lama. My zen has an expiration date.
_____ You are my ex, or the ex of someone I love, and you did one of us wrong and now YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. May you and your family, for the next seven generations, be afflicted with incurable and persistent chapped lips.
_____ I have unfriended you in the past and you keep trying to re-friend me. What kind of mindfuck you tryin’ to pull?
_____ You are an elderly relative and I cannot risk you knowing how high my freak number is or that every other word I use is fuck. I’m sorry, Grandma, but it has to be this way.
Any questions or comments you have about my decision to unfriend, unfollow, or block you are welcome and may be written on the back of this paper and promptly thrown into the nearest fire.
Those requesting a reversal on my decision should do so within ten days from the date on this form. And send me snack foods. That might help grease the wheels, you know what I mean?
Have a nice day!
_____ *Yeah, this is the ‘otherwise noted’ part. We’re not friends anymore. Like, anywhere. Sorry ’bout that, but not really.