Your Sick Searches

I’m finding it hard to be funny lately. Could be that we only have ten years left before the planet will be irretrievably broken. Or maybe it has a little something to do with the fact that our country is being run by a bloated self admitted nationalist with poor grammar who is both a menacing creep and the laughing stock of the whole world and is being enabled by the entire Republican party that consists of nothing more than greedy bootlicking sycophants and whew! Take a breath, girl! 

Also, I’m a little nervous about my upcoming MRI, but mostly it’s Trump.

But it’s important to laugh, especially when you’re a sickie like me. Life is hard and you can’t always get bogged down in the muck and mire of this dumpster fire of a presidency! They’re racist and cruel. And, my lord, the lies! Every single day, lies! Each one more ridiculous and bombastic than the last and people still believe him! Like, what in the hell would it take for them to get that he’s a monster? And doesn’t the random Capitalization In his tweets Bother Them? 

So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, laughter is important. Especially in these troubling times. And thankfully, since I seem to have dislocated my sense of humor, my readers have come through for me in the form of search terms.

Ye olde blog has finally been around the block enough to get some traffic from internet searches. And they have been, um, interesting, to say the least.

As you would imagine, given that this blog is called I’m Sick and So Are You, searching phrases with the word ‘sick’ in them is a common way people find me. The word ‘Florida’ has also led people here. I am from Florida, lived there for most of my life until I moved away not long after I started this blog. Obviously I am the absolute authority on all things Sunshine State. People have also found me searching the term ‘predator’ because of the piece I wrote on a sexual predator I knew, I assume. Maybe they’re looking for homicidal aliens. One never knows with the internet.

But anyhoo, we’re here for the laughter, so laugh we shall. In no particular order, here are some of the most odd, absurd, and downright ridiculous ways my blog has been discovered. All I can say is, you people might need medication.

quote “how is that supposed to make me feel better” – Can you just feel the passive aggressiveness in this search. I imagine this person made air quotes with one hand while they used the index finger on the other hand to stab the keys one by one as they silently mouthed the words over and over. I don’t know if that person felt better when they found my blog, but picturing them angrily searching those words makes me feel better.

just bcause you got a degree dont make you better meme – no it dont but it also dont mean im wurs

sick of living in florida what next – Hell, if you are already packed up and ready to move, don’t go to another state or another country even. May I suggest another planet? Preferably one that doesn’t have Donald Trump on it. Unless you’re a supporter of his. Then you can launch yourself straight into the sun.

my female friend thinks i’m predator – Then you probably are.

is my friend a predator – I guess we found the female friend. And yes, yes he is.

i moved out of the south up to new england and don’t think i can ever move back down south again – Uh, okay. That’s an oddly specific internet search. Are you looking for reassurance? I can give you that. You don’t have to move back. It’s cool with me if you stay. New England is beautiful. I support your decision. You do you, boo boo.

best way to stay warm in cold weather from florida – You realize cold weather doesn’t come from Florida, right? Hurricanes, sharks, alligators, mosquitoes, oranges, Disney World, crime, old people. Those are the things that come from Florida. But, cold weather? Nah.

im getting a sick feeling living in florida – Must be the red tide. Or the Zika virus. Maybe you ate too much key lime pie. I don’t know. Do I look like a doctor?

does living in florida make you tired – I bet you have Zika. You definitely have Zika.

what to do when a stranger – What? When a stranger does what? Has Zika?

caps playoff schedule – The internet has betrayed you. I don’t know any damn body’s playoff schedule for any damn thing.

it’s christmas and i’m sick what now – What you may not realize is that you have hit the holiday lottery. You are now exempt from all family obligations because they don’t want your germ ridden, cranky ass self breathing on them. So now you get to eat an entire Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie straight out of the foil pan while you binge watch all of Netflix. I wish I was you.

i need more from my girlfriend since i moved – More what? More emotional support? More sex? More money? More Zika? More Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie? You can never have too much of that.

happy fucking birthday hats – I have a few of questions. Are these hats having tremendous sex and that’s why they’re happy? Or are they just happy hats regardless of whether they’re having sex or not? Are there sad fucking birthday hats for when the sex is terrible? How exactly would a hat fuck another hat? Oooooohhhhhh, the hats say ‘Happy Fucking Birthday’ on them. Ah, yes, that makes much more sense.

how manytimes i told you im sick – Me personally? I don’t exactly know. I don’t think that you have ever told me you’re sick, but I’m not certain because I don’t know who you are.

i’m a misery to you – Look, I’m going to be real with you. You kinda are.

But not you, you’re not a misery. You’re an absolute delight. Why, I’d even share my Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie with you. I promise.

Or maybe my Zika. Depends on what mood I’m in.