As is customary in marriages in the double digits, I usually only hear every other word my husband says to me. I’m normally able to get the gist of what he’s saying just from a sprinkling of words because we’ve been talking to each other for a quarter century. We’re practically telepathic at this point, which is a good thing because we’re both really tired of hearing the other one speak.
So, this morning it went something like this:
Husband: Did you hear…..Trump….Venezuela…..invasion?
Me: What an idiot.
Now, it makes sense that, from those few words, I deduced my husband must have meant Trump thinks Venezuela is going to invade us. After all, he is such an idiot. Trump, that is, not my husband. After reading the day’s news, though, I discovered the reality was Trump wanted us to invade Venezuela. Thankfully, the response I gave my husband worked in either of those scenarios.
Marriage pro tip: “What an idiot” is always an appropriate response to any Trump conversation with your spouse. You don’t need to hear anything after his name is said. You can totally tune the rest of the conversation out. Then, after you close your gaping maw, mutter those words and your spouse will have no idea you’re ignoring them. Real time saver.
I needed to cleanse my news palate after that doozy of an article, so I moved on to some lighter fare:
Yes, we are living in a time in space where the President of the United States says and does such horrific things that reading a murder for hire news story is considered escapism. And, really, I don’t know how you could NOT read a story with that headline. Plus, if I read this I’d have something to talk to my husband about that he could ignore. This is just a win – win – win. So, let’s dissect this new gem, shall we?
The very first quote from the wife sets the tone.
We really had an awesome marriage.
Uh, no. You didn’t. Your husband tried to have you killed. That is the exact opposite of an awesome marriage. You still have a bullet lodged in your lung, honey. Nobody with an awesome marriage is going through that. I promise you.
He was very kind, gentle, loving.
Again, I’m gonna have to argue that point. He tried to have you killed. You lost your eyeball, lady. That’s not gentle. Nor is it kind and loving. Your husband was an asshole. Just say it! Nobody’s gonna be mad at you, girl. We’re all on your side.
So, long story short, Frank, the
kind, gentle, and loving asshole husband, is away on a business trip. Nancy, the wife in the awesome fucked up marriage, comes home from church to find a man in her garage. He puts a gun to her head and tries to rob her.
“He demanded my purse a third time with expletives,” says Nancy. “I was close enough to him to shove my purse into his chest and when I did I cried out, ‘Jesus save me!’ and he immediately shot me in the head and I went down.”
Then, this woman, who has just been shot in the damn head, crawls into the house to dial 911. She has the wherewithal to describe her attacker to the operator after she has been shot in the head and the lung and even crawls over to the front door to wait for the EMTs! But somehow she can’t realize her husband is a steaming pile of horse crap. It’s maddening.
So, Nancy obviously needs some medical attention after this and ends up in the hospital. The
dirtbag husband comes back from his business trip and he’s all falling on the floor and crying and really turning it on for everybody. Oh my god, my poor wife that I love so much and totally didn’t try to have murdered! Waaaaaaahhhhhh! Meanwhile, the cops are on his ass like flies on shit.
…they found some shocking data on Frank’s mobile phone, including photographs and text messages from another woman. Frank had been with her at the time of the attack, and not on a business trip.
Uh, huh. I knew that was coming. Business trip, my ass, Frank. You are BUS. TED. Well not totally busted because they still didn’t know that Frank was the one that hired the hitman. But obviously that’s going to be an easy case to solve because Frank clearly isn’t very good at hiding things.
Eventually it’s all out. The affair. The murder for hire thing. Nancy knows it all now. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you! He was also embezzling money, in the millions. Now the wife knows everything. And poor Nancy, she is just bawling every single day. She’s wrecked, devastated. Cannot deal with this shit. He’s found guilty, goes to jail. She divorces his ass. But, but, but, get this…….
…if he had been acquitted she would have been willing to rebuild their relationship and remarry him, she says.
What. The. Actual. Fuck. Nance! Come on! What is wrong with you? You don’t have an eyeball! Frank doesn’t love you! There are many other fish in the sea. We live in the 21st century now. We’ve got Tinder. Go for it, Nancy. Get you a man that won’t try to kill you.
“It’s because I still loved him at the time, and you know I have to say I still love him, not in a romantic love, but in a love that he’s the father of my children, and there’s always going to be a love there,” Nancy says.
Let me say this again, slowly….He 👏 Tried 👏 To 👏 Have 👏 You 👏 Killed.
So, Frank’s in jail and Nancy’s a free woman. Their kids believe the dad is innocent because of course they do. They have Nancy’s DNA. Why wouldn’t they think he’s innocent?
And, after all this. After being shot in the head. After crawling inside the house to dial 911. After losing an eyeball. After a bullet is forever lodged in her lung, Nancy has only one question.
“What happened to the marriage? What in the world even caused him to want to go astray and find another woman?”
Not why did this motherfucker try to kill me? Not how in the hell can someone be so evil? Not how much does it cost to have a man killed in jail?
What happened to the marriage? Why did he cheat? Those are the questions you want to ask?
You voted for Trump, didn’t you?
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay