In these troubling times it’s vital to stay abreast of breaking news. I mean, who wants to be the last to know that Kim Kardashian has been named Secretary of Education and Carrot Top is now the head of the EPA? Not I. That’s why I read the news, all the news, all the time.
But sometimes the news can be a little, what’s the word I’m looking for? FUCKINGTERRIFYINGASALLHELL!! So, even a diligent citizen can let themselves stray to more easily digestible “news” pieces like BuzzFeed quizzes and unseemly gossip or fashion.
Now, I’m a seasoned professional when it comes to answering a series of questions to find out which cheese fits my personality and understanding the complexities of Housewives drama, but that other one? Fashion? Eh, not so much.
But, when you’ve run out of news to read, or the news you’re reading is simply too terrifying to consume all at once. When you already know parmesan is who you are mind, body, and soul. When you can’t stomach another second of the Carol/Bethenny feud because obviously Bethenny is at fault, she’s so critical and she NEVER shuts up or lets anyone get a word in edgewise. I have no idea why Carol would want to be her friend anyway! She didn’t even come to the marathon, for Christ’s sake! That’s no friend! And what about the Adam thing? That so violated the girl code!
When you’re done with all that, I guess there’s nothing left to read about but fashion. So I did. I read about fashion. And, guess what? According to this article, I’m doing it wrong. I’m doing it all so very wrong. As far as the editors at Who What Wear are concerned, I am walking Ebola and I must be quarantined for everyone’s safety because I have committed all of the following fashion sins.
- I don’t tailor my clothes – “It’s all about the fit for me,” says the editor that “cringes” when they see pants that need to be hemmed by a professional. I have a pair of pants that might need to be hemmed. I really have no clue. The hem seems to be the right length to me, but I do occasionally end up stepping on said hem because I’m not exactly the tallest person on earth. They would probably make this person cringe, but they only cost me $10. So, what am I gonna do, spend another $20 on hemming them? That seems stupid. So does cringing about another person’s hemlines. Plus, they fit me even on fat days and they’re comfortable and I like them just the way they are, so EAT MY SHORTS, Mr. Vernon. Just don’t forget to have them professionally hemmed first.
- I wear an untucked shirt with my mom jeans – High waisted jeans are “in” now, I guess. Me and my muffin top are all for it, let me tell you. Per the article, I’m supposed to be wearing them with a tucked in blouse or a crop top. That’s supposed to be a “more polished” look. I don’t know if this editor is aware of the state of my body, but I’ve had two C-sections and I’m pretty fond of Skittles. The last time I tucked in my shirt was somewhere in the early 90’s. And crop top? You have got to be kidding me, right? I gained damn near fifty pounds with my first pregnancy. My stomach has more stretch marks on it than the Pyramids have hieroglyphics. I’ll stick to my untucked and unpolished black t-shirt. Trust me on this one, dear editor, it’s for the greater good.
- I didn’t cut that one stitch on the back seam of my coat – Up until about a year ago, I had never owned a winter coat. I never had a need. I lived in south Florida. If I traveled to a cold place I either borrowed someone’s jacket or froze my ass off. I’ve moved up north, and apparently strangers frown upon you asking to borrow their jacket, so I decided it was time to have one of my very own. It had that stitch thingy on the back and I probably left it there for a week before my husband and I had a spirited discussion about whether it was supposed to stay there or not. And it was like the blind leading the blind because he’s from Florida too and we don’t know what the hell we’re doing up here. But according to one editor, leaving that stitch in is tantamount to walking around with toilet paper on your shoe and everyone is pitying you when they see it. They’re not telling you you’ve done wrong, mind you, but laughing at your sorry ass when you’re out of earshot.
- MY HANDBAG IS SCUFFED!!!!!! – A dirty purse “always bothers” one editor. Well, honey, prepare to be bothered. And, you might want to slip on a hazmat suit, a perfectly tailored hazmat suit, that is, because you definitely don’t want to look inside the scuffed up purse. There are things in there. Horrible, horrible things. Candy wrappers and squashed Larabars and enough receipts to wallpaper a powder room. The caveat here, according to the editor, is that it only seems to matter if you have a “cute outfit” on. Totally spoils the look. So, I think I don’t really break this rule because I don’t tailor my clothes and I don’t tuck in my shirts and I left that little stitch thingy on my coat like I’m some kind of caveman. I already look like shit. The jacked up purse just goes with the ensemble.
Whew! Crisis averted. I actually have a look. In fact, I think I may have started the next trend. Come fall we’ll all be pairing scuffed purses with untucked shirts that we wear with our too long pants underneath our coats that have that one stitch in them. It’s a movement, people. Next thing you know I’m going to start a fashion blog. It’ll be called, Who The Fuck Cares What You Wear, because you’re grown, life is short and you can wear whatever the hell you want.
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay