A Few Signs That You’re A 45 Year Old Woman

45 years ago today my father went to the racetrack to bet on the ponies while my mother gave birth to her sixth child, little ‘ol me. He came back broke, took one look at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, “stick her in the back of the station wagon so we can get you home to make me supper.” A classier start to life could not be had. For the record, the first and third sentences are the only ones that are actually true, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the second one was too. 

If you had asked me what 45 would be like when I was 25 I would have spun a yarn about spinning yarn most likely. Old people like to knit, don’t they? At 25, 45 is ooooooolllllld, my friends. I would have talked of saggy boobs and early bird dinners and membership to AARP. Watching reruns of Murder, She Wrote and going to bed at 8:30. There will be gray hair and wrinkles and having one’s toe right at death’s door because 45 is oooooolllllllld.

Truth be told, I was spot on with some of those things, but 45 from the perspective of a 45 year old is a little bit different. So, in case you’re unsure of your age, here are a few signs that you are 45.

• Your beauty routine has evolved from simple face wash and toner to using every lotion known to man to simultaneously fight crow’s feet, acne, and incoming chin whiskers.
• There is also an inordinate amount of time spent eradicating neck wrinkles.
• Even though the skin you live in is less taut than in your youth you’re far more comfortable in it than ever before.
• You can’t see anymore. Not up close, nor far away. You’re blind unless you can find one of the 15 pairs of reading glasses you own that you are currently unable to find anywhere in the house.
• They’re on your head. The reading glasses you were looking for. On your damn head the whole time.
• You’re actually kind of pissed to discover that you can’t join AARP until you’re 50. That free tote bag looks useful.
• Children, unless they are yours, are a scourge upon society and need to get the hell off your lawn before you turn the hose on them.
• Your children don’t know how easy they have it because BACK IN MY DAY…….
• That early bird special is looking mighty tempting, but you’re not quite there yet because YOU. ARE. STILL. YOUNG.
• I guarantee you’re funnier now.
• Suddenly all the joints on your body sound as if they are made of  Rice Krispies.
• For absolutely no good goddamn reason, you can’t stay asleep for more than an hour and a half at a time.
• You have gray eyebrows now. This is your life.
• You don’t have two fucks to give about anyone’s thoughts on your life.
• Is it hot in here?
• Holy hell, it’s cold. Get me a sweater!
• You have no idea who all these people at the Grammys are, but hot damn the music they play at the grocery store is taking you down memory lane.
• You can now have a 30 minute conversation on the life changing effects of the lumbar support on your car seats.
• Joy comes from simple things.
• You just gained five pounds thinking about cupcakes.
• I know I came in this room for something. What was it again?
• You may not watch Murder, She Wrote, but you have seen every episode of Snapped at least 5 times.
• Cause you ain’t taking no one’s shit no more because you are the badass you were always destined to be.
• In elastic waist pants. Every pair of pants you own has an elastic waist. It aids in the badassery. I swear.

And since my experience with 45 may be different from your experience with 45, please, please, please feel free to add to or amend this list in the comments section below.