The Trump Survey And Maybe A Threesome!

These days my head has been so cluttered with the recurrence that wasn’t, the clown that might eat my brains, and roid rage I’ve completely forgotten that the Trump family is possibly stalking me. As you may remember from my posts Dinner With The Trumps!, Happy Birthday Eric Trump!, and Merry Christmas First Family! I can’t escape the Trump emails. I’ve unsubscribed and deleted and spammed them, but still they come and they are more frenzied than ever.

First Donald wanted me to complete the Listening to America Survey and I was like, sure! By all means, listen to me tell you exactly what I think of the job you’re doing, you doughy despot. But you know how you plan on doing something and life gets in the way or you get neck deep in a bag of potato chips and you forget what time it is?

Oh, you don’t? That’s just me? 

Well, anyway. Whatever. Time got away from me and I didn’t get around to completing the survey, so Donald sent me this:

Now, DJ here has been president for a little over a year and in that span of time the U.S. has tumbled into a steaming vortex of chaos and barely literate tweets. It’s getting a little difficult to determine what normal is anymore. So, let me ask you. This is absolutely batshit insane? Right? Yeah, ok. I thought so. 

I tempted fate and clicked the link to see what it is the Prez wants to know. The first question was fairly easy to answer. What state do you live in? Fear. 24/7. All day. All night. Completely blinding, staggering, stupefying panic. The other questions sent me into an emotional death spiral that could only be stopped by cramming fistfuls of Skittles and antidepressants in my face.

Do you feel safer from terrorist attacks under President Trump’s leadership?

Is Fuck No an option?

Do you believe many universities indoctrinate rather than teach students?

No, that’s a job for Fox News.

How would you rate the infrastructure in your neighborhood?

Why? Have you finally sent the one tweet that pissed of Kim Jong Un enough to start a nuclear holocaust?

Do you find the news to be generally too negative/hateful?

Yes, but mostly because they’re accurately reporting about your administration.

Do you think our country is too divided?

As far as I’m concerned it’s not divided enough. At this point you should build that shitty wall of yours around Kansas and make everyone who voted for you live there. Make Kansas its very own country. We’ll call it Cheetoland. You can be the Supreme Lord and Master of everyone there as long as you all stay the hell away from the rest of us.

Do you agree with President Trump’s messaging? 

Yeah, I mean after so many intelligent presidents it’s a nice change to have one the public speaking skills of a first grader running for classroom line leader. Bonus points for the random capitalization and misspellings in your tweets.

Do you hold more socially conservative views? 

I’m so liberal I make Bernie Sanders look like Mike Pence.

Do you feel that you cannot publicly admit that you support Trump?

No, but I do feel a little wary about admitting I’m an American these days.

Are you concerned about the spread of Sharia Law?

Flint, Michigan still does not have clean water.

Is Russia a concern to you?

Yes, but only because it isn’t a concern to you.

English is currently not recognized as the official language of the United States. Do you think it should be?

Puerto Rico still doesn’t have all its power back on.

So there, there, I finished your stupid survey and now you can finally stop emailing me. Okay? 

Holy crap! You have got to be kidding me, right? Can we text? You email me 15 times a day? You’re like a crazed stalker. America should have a restraining order against you. No, we can’t text, you clementine tinted bastard.

 

Oh, that was Eric that emailed me. Ew. That’s even more creepy than Donald contacting me. So, you’re totes cool with your husband texting me. In fact, you’re so cool with it you’re trying to facilitate it? Is this what I think it is? Are y’all trying to spice things up in the marriage? Look, I’m flattered but I’m taken and your husband has that weird Eddie Munster hairline. I can’t get hot for that. Sorry.

For the love of all things holy, there’s a list? Is it a list of people who want to have a threesome with you and Lara? Because yeah, I’m definitely not on that list. Also, who is on that list? I can’t imagine too many people would be into that. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is on that list, isn’t she? Oh my lord, Sean Spicer? The Mooch? Mike Pence? Maybe, but only if Mother is present, of course.

And I’ll tell you what other lists I’m not on. I’m not on the list of people that support your bonehead father. I’m not on the list that believes the convoluted lies he tells daily. I’m not on the list of people that wants my tax dollars and our resources to go to building a damn wall especially when the hungry need to be fed, the homeless need to be housed, and the sick need to be cared for, you oblivious and entitled douchecanoe.

But I am on a list, a very long list, of people that will vote his sorry ass out of office along with every single other Republican that supported him or spinelessly sat by and did nothing to stop him from his attempts at ruining this country every single day since he’s been in office. I’m on that list, asshole. And when you jot my name down on that list, make sure to write it in Sharpie so you know I mean it.