This Blog Is Now Officially A Toddler

A year ago today I hit the publish button for the first time here and the world was riveted. Well, not really. That first post only had about 50 views, but I think at least my husband read it and he may have been mildly amused.

My baby is now a year old, officially out of that scary baby phase where their necks are all wobbly and you have to worry all the time about poking that soft spot on their heads. But now you have new worries. They start talking all the time and walking around, finding creative ways to electrocute themselves. Parenting a blog never ends, it just changes.

Well, sometimes it does end. You see, this isn’t my first blog. I, uh, abandoned the other three. But that shouldn’t reflect poorly on the job I want to do with this baby. I want to raise her up right. I want her to live a long life, healthy and strong.

So, I’ve decided to do every thing I can to ensure that all is going well and I’ve consulted this list of developmental milestones for a one year old, to make sure every thing is right on track. A one year old human, that is. Cause, ya know, babies and blogs are basically the same. Right?

And here are the milestones me and my baby have hit, in this, our first year:

• Assumes hands and knees position – Yeah, I’ve definitely done that. As any good blogger knows, some days just smack you in the ass.
• Stands momentarily without support – That is happening more and more for me and my baby, but I never could have been able to do it without the support of fellow bloggers and friends who have offered me encouragement and shared my work. It takes a village, people. It really does.
• Pokes with index finger – What can I say? Sometimes I enjoy irritating people.
• Tries to imitate scribbling – 
  

  I’d say this a step above scribbling. Some may even call it fine art.

Check. You may remember my post, We Need To Talk About Derek, where I relay the harrowing story of the my discovery that a spider was living in a locked closet in my apartment. Since Derek would only periodically pop his head out I couldn’t snap a pic and had to draw his portrait myself. When the higher ups at The Louvre read my blog post and saw my work they immediately reached out, but unfortunately we were unable to strike a deal. I won’t let just any old, run of the mill art shack take my work. I’m a professional.

• Babbles with inflection – It’s basically all I do here.
• Says ‘dada’ and ‘mama’ – Eh, We’re a little more advanced here. My multisyllabic words include jackwagon and fuckwad. Someone put my baby in Montessori school. She’s gifted, for sure.
• Enjoys imitating people in play – Yep. Mockery is my specialty.
  

  EnjOyS iMiTatInG pEopLe iN PlAy

   

• Shy or anxious with strangers – That would be a yes. But I usually open up with time. If you find me to be closed off, might I suggest an offering of sarcasm and Skittles. That usually does the trick.
• Show specific preferences for certain people – Guilty as charged. I’m human. We all have our favorites, don’t we?
• Tests parental responses to behavior – Yeah, I’m bad. I do what I want. Come at me, WordPress. I ain’t scared of you.
• Finger feeds herself – Oh my lord, constantly. I’m never not eating.
• May be fearful in some situations – I was just kidding, WordPress. I’m not bad at all. I do what YOU want. I’m a little scared of you. You know, the exact amount of scared I’m supposed to be.
• Repeats sounds or gestures for attention – Uh, yeah. Duh. Don’t all bloggers? That is the literal definition of what we are doing here.

I’d say things are going fairly well here in my first year. Me and my baby have met all our milestones. Dare I say exceeded a few? My girl is fully inoculated and ready to achieve all her toddler dreams. My baby’s ready to take on the world. Right after a nap and diaper change. This checkup really wore us out. Send Skittles, pretty please. And wine, maybe? My blog is such a lush.

 

*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay