I bought a label maker once and it changed my entire life. I labeled homeschool supplies and shelves and cabinets and notebooks. I even used it to develop an entire system to keep all my plastic containers sorted by size and use. Then I ran out of the label paper and couldn’t find it at any store I went to. I kept telling myself I needed to google it and order more, but I forgot and eventually lost the label maker and now my plastic storage containers look like this:
And that is why I don’t do resolutions. I don’t have the attention span required to adopt a ‘new year, new you’ lifestyle. I could say I’m going to lose ten pounds, become a philanthropist, and watch less television in 2018, but by January 6th you and I both know I’ll be using all my spare money to buy Skittles and eat them by the fistful while I binge watch entire seasons of horrid reality shows. I’m very predictable.
So, even though it’s the new year and everyone else is making lists of all the things they are planning to accomplish in the next 365 days, I think it’s just easier for me to tell you what I’m not going to be doing this year. And maybe, for once, I’ll be able to actually accomplish what I set out to do. Or not do.
1.) I won’t stop complaining about the weather – I used to live in south Florida. For most of the year it’s hot in south Florida. It’s like living on the surface of the sun, but with palm trees and an endless supply of key lime pie. It makes sense that I would complain about that. It’s miserable and sweaty and the chafing alone is bound to make you homicidal. But, then I moved up northish and now all I do is complain about the cold. It looks like the only common denominator here is, well, me and I’m fully prepared to embrace my inner weather curmudgeon in 2018. Oh, just you wait until it snows. You’re going to hear about it.
2.) There will be no giving up coffee this year or any other year for the foreseeable future – My supreme lord and master, Mr. Coffee, would like me to tell you a thing or two about our upcoming plans for this year. We will enjoy each other’s company at least once a day, every single day for the entirety of 2018. Nothing will get between us, no heartburn, no broken coffee pot, no lack of creamer, no arrhythmia. We are committed to one another and no one can break our bond.
3.) And that goes for Skittles, too. And any other artificially colored, high fructose corn syrup saturated treat I decide to shove in my gob – Yeah. You can bet your life on that one.
4.) I will never finish the laundry this year – There will always be something in the house that needs to be washed. A stray towel that didn’t fit into any other load, a filthy sock stuffed in a shoe, a spaghetti stained t-shirt that will make its appearance just as I’m folding the final item from the last armful pulled out of the dryer. From experience, I can tell you this one is guaranteed.
5.) I still won’t like Donald Trump – I didn’t like him last year or the year before that or even the year before that. Come to think of it, I can’t remember a year when I’ve ever liked him. If you find that at some point in 2018 I do like Donald Trump, pray for me and bathe me in holy water. Something must have gone terribly wrong in my life for that to happen.
6.) For the 45th straight year I will not be taking up yodeling as a hobby – Please know I have never been more committed to not doing something in my whole life.
7.) I’m not going to stop using foul language – I have fucking tried. That shit’s not easy. I only have so much damn energy in any given day and most of it is given to the consumption of Skittles. Besides, I’m no fucking quitter. No I am fucking not.
8.) I refuse to quit trash talking my cat –
2018 is a new year, full of possibility and wonder, but one thing remains the same year after year after year. My cat Jojo is a complete and total jerk. She’s getting older and sometimes I feel guilty when I say mean things about her, but truth is she deserves every terrible thing I say about her.
9.) I won’t suddenly become graceful and light on my feet – I am comically clumsy. I have bruises in all sorts of spots that have no explanation. The upper thigh is a hot spot for me as I will invariably jam it into the furniture as I’m meandering around the house. I’ve twice bloodied myself in separate dishwasher accidents. I should be forced to live in a padded cell, and not for the reason you think.
10.) I still won’t hate Muse’s song Madness – It would be a pity if I did. Great song.