I keep getting emails from Donald Trump. At first I was confused. How in the hell did I get on this list? I’m so liberal I make Bernie Sanders look like a Republican. Then, I remembered that sometimes I have the passive aggressive habit of putting ardent conservatives that piss me off on the Planned Parenthood mailing list. I did it to my a neighbor once after he passed out candy at Halloween that had bible verses on them. I figured maybe he turned my brilliant plan on me and gave up my name to President Douchelord, but he’s neither smarter than me nor more passive aggressive. No one is more passive aggressive than me. No one.
I deleted the first one, then another one came. I put that one in the spam folder and I still kept getting them. I hit the unsubscribe button and conveniently there was an ‘error’ during the process and they couldn’t fulfill my wish. The next one I got made for a good tweet, at least.
But this latest one is by far the best one because WE’RE SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN! I guess I’m supposed to be happy about that, but I don’t get it. I’ve always said Merry Christmas, unless I know for certain the person I’m saying it to doesn’t celebrate Christmas or if I’m uncertain what holiday they celebrate or if they celebrate any holiday at all. Ya know, because I don’t live in a myopic bubble where all my behaviors are rooted in fear and prejudice. And also because my mom taught me to be respectful of others’ beliefs.
The email is addressed to “Friend” as if we’re pals or something. Like, I’d totally go meet Don and Melania at Starbucks for a chai so we could vent about how stressful being a parent is. Melania and I could go on forever and ever about finding the right jeans for hiding our muffin tops, just like friends do.
Since we’re “friends” Don wants me to sign the official First Family Christmas card and wish the entire First Family a very Merry Christmas. Apparently, the President himself really wants to see my name on the card because it’s me he’s fighting for every day. I don’t know what kind of drugs he’s on that makes him think that, but perhaps he’d share them with me and that would make this dumpster fire of an administration easier to deal with.
But it’s Christmas, folks, and since ‘ol Donnie has saved me from the tyranny of living in a world where we respect the religious persuasions of all Americans and I’m now finally free to shout Merry Christmas once again, I felt obliged to sign the card. Here’s what I had to say:
President Trump Asshole,
So, I guess I should start this thing off by saying Merry Christmas since we’re saying it again. And, can I just say, whew! And thank you and so on and so forth. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. It’s not like I have been dealing with Christmas deals, sales, flyers, catalogs, decorations, cards, lights, wreaths, trees, music, and presents since fucking October and I’m not completely sick of it by now. You saved me, boo.
So, Don, what are you going to get Melania for Christmas? Are you gonna grab her by the pussy? Move on her like a bitch? I hear you like to do that. I guess you’re not going to be doing that to Mother, a.k.a. the Second Lady, because Mike Pence won’t let her be alone in a room with a man. Normally that kind of archaic bullshit would work my last nerve, but I think in this case maybe he’s right to do it.
If you don’t mind, while we’re on the subject of Mike Pence, could you ask him a question for me? I’m just a little curious to know something. He’s all about family values, working hard to save us from the gays since, he thinks, their right to marry is going to destroy marriage for all of us. He’s making damn sure I have no right to decide what goes on in my own uterus because apparently my autonomy ends when he says so. Yet, somehow, he’s cool with being the right hand man to an admitted sexual abuser who’s had two divorces and three marriages. Could you ask him if he ever feels kinda icky for being such a fucking hateful hypocrite? I’m just wondering.
I’d wish Melania a Merry Christmas, but she’s probably locked away in a closet somewhere waiting to be carted out at the next function to pretend she’s happy and fulfilled in her life. Also, women don’t really matter anyhow. We’re just pussies to be grabbed, tits to be ogled, asses to be pinched, or uteruses to be constantly monitored and controlled, eh?
But wish the kids Merry Christmas for me, would you? Well, maybe just Barron because he’s a minor and a completely innocent victim in all this, but not Don Jr. He’s such a dick. And not Eric either. He just creeps me out. And definitely not Ivanka. She creeps me out more than Eric does. Frankly all your children creep me out, except maybe Tiffany, but I think that’s because she doesn’t spend much time with you which makes her far less creepy than your other spawn and by far the luckiest of them all. I hope one day she writes a tell all book and reveals every last dirty secret you are hiding under that rat’s nest you call a hairdo.
But, yeah, Merry Christmas.
Your “friend” Christine
Actually, that was too many characters for their online Christmas card, so I erased it and sent them this:
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay