Today Is Such A Great F$&#ing Day!

I woke up this morning in a fabulous mood. And why wouldn’t I? The sun was shining. Oh, wait, that’s right. The sun wasn’t shining just yet because I woke up from the sound of a text coming in at 4:30 a.m. And thank you, to that person that texted me a list of the “funniest” tweets from some obscure person I’ve never heard of. That was so worth losing two hours of sleep.

As always, once the cat knew I was up, she couldn’t help herself and had to hop up onto the bed to shower me with her undying love by walking all over my face and breathing her garbage breath into my nostrils and digging her claws into my torso. What an adorable scamp that Jojo is! Can I just say, I am so lucky to have her.

When the sun finally did rise and the temperature crawled above 35°F I was gifted with the sight of a gray sky and rows and rows of dead trees. Dead trees are my favorite, but gray skies come in a close second. Tied for third place is frost on my windshield and frostbitten toes. This time of year is magical.

Someone forgot to pick up creamer at the store, but that’s okay because I love unsweetened coffee that doesn’t taste like vanilla hazelnut toffee. So, I poured myself a cup and reflected on what an amazing weekend I had. It really was 48 nonstop hours of bliss. Unicorns! Rainbows! Lollipops! I’m so relaxed and refreshed from it that I’m hardly even thinking about the two extra hours of sleep I could have had this morning. Nope, not me. Not thinking about it AT ALL.

I read the news this morning and I’ve got to tell you I have such profound faith in this president and I’m not at all terrified that we’ll be in WWIII before the year ends. Well, I’d love to talk more about it but every time I try to talk about it I just start shouting expletives. I just don’t know why on earth that would be happening. Perhaps my thyroid meds need to be adjusted or something.

After the news I did my rounds on social media and I was so happy to see your 187th anecdote about how amazing your boyfriend is. I never tire of hearing about how in love you are with him and he with you. It doesn’t get old at all and when I read your statuses I never roll my eyes so hard it induces vomiting. I’m sure you guys are going to be together forever, too, and never get to a stage in your relationship where you want to shank him for leaving soda cans lying around the house.

And tell me more about the clean eating diet you are on! I can’t get enough of it! I want to read more and more and more about the toxins that you are releasing from your body. Don’t you ever stop talking about how much more energy you have now. You’ll break my heart if you do that.

Remember when I said dead trees were my favorite? I lied. It’s dishes, dirty dishes piled so high that it’s feasible I will die from a plate avalanche. I love dirty dishes something fierce. And the ceaseless cycle of emptying and refilling the dishwasher is such a damn delight. I don’t know how my life got to be so fulfilling. Must be #blessed.

But the blessings don’t end there, because I get to fold clothes after that! I know, I know. It’s like, what did I do in my former life to deserve all this? And then I get to teach math to a pre-teen. I can’t wait because they are so humble at that age, ya know? They are humble, they love learning new stuff, and they are focused. Like an eagle on its prey. Focused!

After all that joy is over and done with I get to go grocery shopping, which might be even better than dead trees and dirty dishes combined. People out there in the world are so friendly, especially in traffic. That’s when they are the friendliest, always making sure they zoom past you, cut in front of you, and slow down for some inexplicable reason. Maybe it’s so I don’t miss them waving hello to me with only their middle finger. That must be it.

And the stores aren’t crowded at all this time of year. Everyone must be at home doing the dishes and loving life because they certainly aren’t jammed into every square inch of every retail establishment within a hundred mile radius and leaving their cart in the middle of the aisle or right in front of the one thing I needed. Nah, they’re at home smiling while doing the dishes and folding clothes and being with their loved ones that don’t annoy them at all.

Today is such a great fucking day, ain’t it?


*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay