Fall, Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Fall! Hey, girl, hey. I mean that in a completely gender neutral way, in case you’re not a girl. Not that being a girl is bad. Hell, I dig it. I just want you to know I’m inclusive and all. Be you a boy or be you a girl, it’s all good.

Look at me, the first paragraph and I’m already completely off topic. Let’s start over.

Hello, Autumn, so nice to make your acquaintance. You may not recognize me, being that I lived in Florida up until a few months ago. I noticed you don’t get down there too often, eh? Perhaps you vacation there like everyone else. Maybe when Donald Trump wrecks the climate of the entire planet, leaving us with only scorching summer and barren winter, you will be able to retire there. You probably won’t want to because the average daily temp will be 135°F.

Anyhoo, back to what I was saying. Hello! I just thought I’d introduce myself since I am experiencing you for the very first time in my whole life. You have finally arrived in my neck of the woods and I am beyond excited. BEYOND! I just wanted to let you know a little bit about myself and all the wonderful things I have done to prepare for your arrival. I’ve been a very busy gal, I tell you!

First, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the leaves changing color. I feel like maybe these trees around me are broken or something because their leaves are mostly just dying and falling onto our porch. Then the cat eats them and pukes them up on my carpet. I thought fall was supposed to be more majestic than cat vomit, but don’t think I’m discouraged or anything. I’m still very stoked. Super stoked.


I did find this guy, though. Not too shabby.

I bought a scarf! That was a very exciting autumnal development for me. I’ve never owned a scarf before in my life. I’m not very certain that getting a scarf was such a great idea. I have a bit of a round face and I sorta need my neck to break that roundness up. I put the scarf on and everything atop my torso is just one giant basketball with bangs. But I’m going with the flow. I’m part of the fall crew. I’m sure it will come in handy one day when my neck gets cold. Do necks even get cold? Well, mine won’t because I have a scarf! Do you believe it?


Also, to prepare for your visit I have procured pumpkin spice creamer and it’s delicious! It tastes like you’re drinking pumpkin pie, which might sound a little gross, but I swear it’s good. In fact, I can’t stop drinking it. One time I went through an entire bottle in two days and my husband was a little concerned and started googling pumpkin spice detox centers just in case this is more than just me having a little fun. Since I can’t always find it in the grocery store and I think I’ve gained five pounds, I’ve laid off a bit. Just looking at that picture makes me drool a little bit. It’s ok, though, I can handle this. I can quit anytime I want to.

What screams autumn more than a corn maze? Nothing! Corn mazes are the epitome of fall goodness and I could not wait to take my family to the corn maze. Let’s go the corn maze! We’ve got to do a corn maze! I had everyone pumped. So, after waiting in line for a lifetime and a half, we paid our $8 a piece and set forth to conquer the corn maze!


At the entrance to the corn maze we were met by a kindly fellow who explained how we could use our GPS to find our way around the sorghum maze. Uh, say again, kindly fellow? Sorghum? Yes, you see our corn maze wasn’t made of actual corn it was made of sorghum, which kinda looks like corn, but isn’t actually corn. That didn’t deter me, though. I was going to conquer the corn sorghum maze. Sorghum maze doesn’t really roll of the autumnal tongue quite as well as corn maze, now does it?

Of course, our GPS didn’t work like they said it would and we became hopelessly lost a million times. And it was hot and sweaty and crowded, which is not really what I expected to experience. Getting ‘lost’ in a corn maze, I thought, would feel a little more like a serene jaunt through nature and a little less like shopping a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Before I sent this Snapchat to our daughter our son told me to make sure I mentioned it was a sorghum maze and not a corn maze. I refused.

We finally admitted defeat and made it out by cheating. Yes, I cheated. I cut through a part of the ‘corn’ that I wasn’t supposed to and followed another pack of sweaty, miserable, desperate people to the path that led to the exit because fuck sorghum mazes. And to hell with the painfully adorable kid they put at the exit that asks each person if they completed the entire maze. No, kid, no. I didn’t complete the entire maze because this whole thing is a sham! It’s not even corn, for the love of all things holy!

Then we went to the pumpkin patch, so I could buy my requisite gourd. I’m representin’ fall! I’m still in this! It was a little more of an arduous task than I had anticipated. Most of the good ones were picked over, so we were left with lopsided, misshapen, and half eaten ones. My husband suggested that we just go to the grocery store and buy one, but I insisted that we get one from a real pumpkin patch. This is our first fall, after all! Gotta do it up right, right?

After tripping over vines and stepping on smashed pumpkin corpses, we settled on a big boy, a 27 pounder! We waited in a mile long line, in the beating sun, wild children all around us with snot trailing out of their nostrils. We paid way too much money for it and then had to schlep it back to the car. Well, my husband did the schlepping. He agrees, fall is so damn exciting.

So very exciting.

Yay, fall, yay.

Is it over yet?