I can’t sleep. Like ever. It has been at least two weeks since I have had a full, restful, uninterrupted eight hours. Or seven. Or six. Hell, I’d be happy with five hours of sleep, but that ain’t happening either. I’ve been averaging four measly, pitifully nauseating, excruciatingly cruel hours of sleep a night.
Martha Stewart sleeps only four hours a night and she’s a multimillionaire, but she’s also a convicted felon, so it’s hard to know how this is going to work out for me. Donald Trump also sleeps only four hours a night and he’s the president, but he’s also the worst president in the history of history. So, again, this does not necessarily bode well for me and my insomnia. Just know that if I start combing my hair in a strange fashion it’s from the lack of sleep.
I’d love to say I’m spending all my free time weaving intricate tapestries or writing the great American novel or solving the world’s energy crisis, but I’m not. I’m mostly just lying there contemplating my navel or trying to figure out why Buzzfeed thinks I live in New Mexico based upon my Sonic order. Doesn’t an order of onion rings and cherry limeade scream North Carolina? I don’t know. Maybe I threw the whole thing off by choosing the french toast sticks.
Perhaps I should use all this time to come up with a new invention, like the Hurricane Spin Scrubber. It’s like an electric toothbrush on steroids and it’s apparently going to change everyone’s lives. We’re never going to have to strain to get rid of soap scum again. I’d get one, because no one hates straining to get rid of soap scum more than me, but I always think about what happens when I take my electric toothbrush out of my mouth to spit. Toothpaste goes everywhere, including on my glasses and the bathroom mirror. I guarantee that is happening with the Spin Scrubber, toxic cleaners in people’s faces all over this great land, even as we speak. It should be noted that I’m receiving no compensation from The Hurricane Spin Scrubber. I’m just completely fascinated this thing exists.

They don’t show her face, but I bet you ten bucks it’s all winced up from the pain of scrubbing bubbles in her eyes.
If I had more sleep I’d be less prone to deception. My husband knows this and revels in my weakened state. Just this weekend he somehow managed to get me to walk around our apartment complex carrying a box the size of Texas all while I was in my pajamas, even after I specifically said I refused to do that. “Just help me carry it down the stairs,” he said with a coy smile. He assured me no one in the breezeway would see me in sweatpants and a tank top, sneakers with no socks, hair wildly dispersed, mascara and drool embedded into my left cheek. We got down all three flights and, in my exhausted haze, I failed to realized he just kept going until we were almost at the garbage dumpster. At least I had the box to hide behind.
The cat loves when I can’t sleep. She thinks it’s party time. She drops all her worn out, chewed up, smelly and rotten cat toys on my torso as I flop from one side to the next foolishly believing I just need to change positions to make it all better. Sadly, there is no better position. They all suck and end in heartbreak. No heartbreak for Jojo, though. It’s party time for Jojo.
My husband can sleep through anything. I’ve often considered waking him just so I can ask him how he sleeps through my sleeplessness. Wouldn’t help matters. He’d just roll back over and go to sleep quickly and then I’d have to kick him in the shins repeatedly. That would likely bring me no joy either, for he’d just roll over and go back to sleep again and the vicious cycle would continue.
My husband can also nap. Same with Jojo. Who the hell cares if we’re up all night? Just take a nap! Refresh yourself! Oh, fuck off. When my husband naps he wakes up like he’s had a full night’s sleep, refreshed and ready to take on the world. When I nap, I wake up nauseous and confused. Always, some part of my hair is glued to my cheek from drool and I’m never quite sure what year it is. I’d rather refresh myself by shooting you the bird when you tell me to take a nap.
I want to be productive when I have these sleepless nights, but ‘they’ say not to. ‘They’ are the incredible internet life wizards and ‘they’ know what is best for you. ‘They’ know I should never get out of bed and do another activity. ‘They’ know I shouldn’t look at my phone because the light is going to upset my circadian rhythm. ‘They’ say I shouldn’t look at the clock. ‘They’ say I should just lie there and wait for sleep to come and it will. I have no idea if any of this is true. I’m too tired to do any research.
The silver lining to all this insomnia is coffee. Coffee is the greatest thing to ever have been invented. You may think it’s the polio vaccine or the Snuggie, but no, it’s coffee. I love coffee and, coffee, it loves me. It loves me more than my husband who just rolls over and goes to sleep any damn time he wishes even though he knows I am painfully suffering from a devastating loss of sleep. Coffee understands. I should have married coffee.
I discovered that one of my fish is a murderer. That has nothing to do with my insomnia, but one of the side effects of insomnia is lack of focus and my attention was diverted for a second and that thought popped in my head. Yeah, he’s full on eating all our cherry shrimp, which were $4 a pop, by the way. So, here I thought I was the murderer. All my fish were dying and I took it all so personally, but he’s the true assassin and now I have to wait for him to die before I get anymore fish.

As of today it has been zero days since I’ve killed any fish, but now I know it’s not me, it’s him. I literally caught him hovering over a neon tetra corpse. When I leaned in, I swear I heard him say, “You’re next, bitch.”
‘They’ say you should get an aquarium to relax yourself so you sleep better at night. I think ‘they’ fail to take into account that you may get a homicidal fish that will ruin your life by making you think you’re killing all the fish when you aren’t. How the hell am I supposed to sleep when I am haunted by all those tiny crustacean bodies I have to scoop and flush? I actually have no idea if ‘they’ think having an aquarium will help you sleep. ‘They’ say one side effect of insomnia is hyperbole. I have that. ‘They’ also say another side effect of insomnia is not knowing how to end a blog post written about insomnia. I have that too.
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay.Β
I’m not rubbing salt in your wounds but I’ve only had 2 of those sleepless nights since I retired several months ago.
Have you tried getting out of bed and reading a really boring book?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve pretty much tried it all. This morning I woke up at 4:45. I considered that a victory.
LikeLike
That’s definitely a move in the right direction. Good luck.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi, Love your blog, really makes me laugh..I also have really bad sleep problems. My teen has problems sleeping as well. I bought him a weighted blanket . I know it sounds weird, but honestly, it was a miracle for him. It seems to help people fall asleep and stay asleep longer..You can Google weighted blankets..
Take care,
Carla
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have heard of those and know people who swear by them. I feel like it would be very hot, though. I’ve already got the A/C down so low there are polar bears setting up house in the living room. My husband might revolt if I go lower.
LikeLike
I do polar bear cold in my house, too. The kids wear sweats year round, and my mom asks for a sweater as soon as she comes in the door. When they ask (and they ALWAYS ask) why I keep my house 64 degrees, I tell people itβs because I make afghans, dammit, and so they should shut their mouths, grab one and park it before I get hateful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahahaha! That’s how my daughter is. You could store ice in her apartment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My husband sets the air so low we can’t have any houseplants in the bedroom !!! I actually wear street clothes to bed some nights..
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am constantly drooling when I use my electric toothbrush, no matter how I do it. (I was going to say how tightly I wrap my lips around it, but that sounded very dirty, and it’s quite the opposite.) It’s a love-hate relationship at this point.
I don’t get naps either; I tend to wake up more tired than when I fell asleep– what’s the point?!
Fish freak me out a little. Mostly it’s their gills that really gross me out, and I can’t help but look at them. *Shudders.*
And, that is all my rambling, none of which is related to your insomnia. Oops.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Rambling for all reasons is acceptable here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s why I keep coming back. π
LikeLike
Yikes, you poor kid. Random thoughts on your predicament:
– novel, navel… Look, they’re only one letter apart, may as well start the damn book! Write about what you know… a woman who has insomnia. And an ex-tumor. And a kickass blog.
– It’s the drool! Stop doing that!
– Have you tried counting backward from, say, 1,000? I have a special way of doing it: In your mind’s eye, each number is printed/embedded/nailed onto a piece of wood, like a house address number, see? You can really get into this, make each plaque a different colour and design, maybe wood, maybe metal, maybe… get it? Okay, you still may be up for hours but at least you’ll be exercising your creativity!
– Coffee?!? COFFEE??? The world’s greatest delivery method for CAFFEINE?? How is this a good idea given your proclivities for staying the fuck awake all night?
If I think of more stuff, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, take a darn nap already!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do not take my coffee from me, Ellie! It’s all I have! But I do need to get more structured in my writing, so you may be right there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was going to say maybe stay the fuck away from coffee but Ellie P up there, just like Marcia from the Brady Bunch graph stole my thunder. Ellie Ellie Ellie!!! Where was I? Oh I know! So here is what I want to know….why do my eyes get so heavy I can’t even prop them open with nails but the minute I put the book down and turn off the lights I’m wide awake? I’ve given up trying to make sense of what ‘they’ say. I suspect ‘they’ might be morons. My new favorite word thank you Rex Tillerson even though I still don’t like you much you nailed that one. But I digress. I can’t help you with your sleep problem. Since we’re both awake wanna hang out, though?
LikeLiked by 2 people
I knew all the cool kids had insomnia. At least I’ll have good company.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Combing your hair in a weird fashion πππ. I’m sorry you’re unable to get a good night’s sleep, but at least you know you live in New Mexico! That’s important πππ. I love BuzzFeed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Buzzfeed is the greatest way to waste time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup. I waste far too much of my time there π¬π¬
LikeLiked by 1 person
I once had four rosy barbs in my aquarium. I don’t remember all of their names, but one was Elliott. I looked in the tank one day and saw the three other rosy barbs all attacking Elliott. Poor Elliott had lost almost all of his fins and tail. I isolated him for a little while because he could barely swim, I thought he wasn’t going to make it. He recovered a bit but never got more than some nubs of fins. It was enough so he could swim pretty well though, so I put him back in the tank with everyone. The other three were still jerks to him sometimes, but he managed.
Elliott ended up outliving all three of them (I was so proud of him), and I never got another barb again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This guy does it under cover of darkness. Every morning I have a new body to remove. Heβs a serial killer!
LikeLike
Have you considered putting the sassy pants fish in something like this? https://premiumaquatics.com/products/lees-net-breeder-small-fine.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwJS1qp_r1gIVDC9pCh0GSgFlEAQYFCABEgLMWPD_BwE
I have a plastic one that just hangs on the edge of my tank so that the fish is still in the tank in the same water, but he is isolated. I feel bad because obviously that isn’t the most fun life for him, but your other fish aren’t having very fun lives with, you know, being killed.
So if he doesn’t like his new digs, you could tell him he should have thought of that before he murdered his roommates.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fish jail! He needs fish jail.
LikeLike
What if your serial killer fish learns how to escape and does this?!! https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrNIBd2kd9Zog8A6YaJzbkF?p=crab+turns+odd+stove&fr=mcafee&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Ai%2Cm%3Apivot#id=1&vid=d220ad716c9c2a6dddf320cb4644711b&action=view
LikeLiked by 1 person
You do make me laugh!
I know the feeling, I donβt really have any advice though sorry, just thought Iβd comment as an agreeing nod!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel sorry that you can’t sleep, but at least you got a great blog out of it! I used to have a killer fish too, but he claimed it was secret military training.
LikeLiked by 1 person