Woman Seeking Friends Who Hate Foie Gras

I moved to a new city. I know no one. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know my realtor. She’s cool. She’s also busy. I know the really nice kid at the grocery store who keeps telling me this is the first Publix ever built in North Carolina. Every single time he bags my groceries. Every. Single. Time. And I know Coach Daddy. Well, I don’t know him. I’ve met him. He seems like a real nice guy and we live in the same city, but if I’m aching for a Girl’s Night Out Eli’s not my first pick, mainly because he’s not a girl, but also because I bet he wouldn’t discuss the finer points of trash TV with me. I still owe you that cup of coffee, Eli. I haven’t forgotten. 

Since I’m not meeting friends as quickly as I’d like, yes, even the introverts of the world need human interaction every once in a blue moon, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I haven’t sold my house down south yet and can’t afford to rent billboard space in the heart of the city so I’ve decided to create my own virtual billboard on my blog. I think you will see that my friend qualifications are impeccable. I’m a fairly decent human, at least marginally funny. I cook and will tell someone to fuck off if they try to hurt you. I am not averse to a Snapchat selfie. I am also well read, up to date on my shots, and fully understand the purpose of an oxford comma.

new profile

Sick Wordsmith  

44 || Married || Charlotte, NC

Seeking women friends

Height: 5 ft. 6 in.

Body type: Doughy, yet able to fend off bears if necessary

Religion: Just trying not to be an asshole

About me: After a harrowing twelve hour journey in midsize SUV with a husband, a possibly sociopathic cat, and a pre-teen who suffers from motion sickness I arrived in The Queen City and began a new life. I left behind a group of friends that I can only describe as sublime and I miss them dearly. While they can and will never be replaced, I find myself in need of good conversation and great laughs. Maybe you are that special someone?

I’m not afraid of being active and every now and again I dust myself off and get dressed up, but I’m also able to have a dry shampoo/ baby wipes to the pits/ stained sweatpants / sitting on the couch/ drinking coffee/ talking about what a freak Ramona Singer is kind of day too. I’m flexible like that. I love to hike and bike, kayak and SUP. Nature is my jam. You need to be warned, though. I have a wonky leg and can fall over at times without warning. I’m not drunk. I swear. I drink, just not to fall over drunk status. Well, not since that fateful night in the early 90’s. Sooooooo much tequila. 

I’m open. Open minded. Open for business. I’m an open book. My heart is open. My eyes are open. I can even open a verbal can of whoop ass when needed. I like to read. I like to laugh. I like to cook. I’m ambivalent about gardening and knitting. I have a cat and a husband and one kid at home that I homeschool. I’m tired. I’m also kind of a hermit. I can’t dance. I hate foie gras. Inspirational quotes get on my nerves.

 

You are: 

  • Who you are, unapologetically so.
  • One who laughs at the mundane, absurd, and tragic.
  • Also one who sheds a few tears when need be.
  • Also one who lets me cry over stupid stuff cause PMS is the devil.
  • Ecstatic about Taco Tuesday.
  • Apathetic about Meatless Monday.
  • A woman who roots for the underdog.
  • Reading my blog. I mean, seriously, dude. C’mon.
  • Not afraid of the word fuck.
  • Ready to let your hair down.
  • Willing to kill a cockroach for me.
  • Able to not take yourself too seriously.
  • Going to watch trash TV with me, this is a non-negotiable.
  • Are tired, too. I understand that.

My ideal first date: Ya know, coffee or drinks or dinner. Mostly, I just want an opportunity to chat with you, get to know you, make sure you’re not too neat or a serial killer or on your phone too much. And I need to check for awkward silences. Please baby Jesus, do not let there be too many awkward silences. I chose a food related activity because I will invariably spill something on myself and this will acclimate you to my clumsiness. If it all works out well, maybe we can catch a movie afterward. Nothing in the horror or war genre and, I have to be honest, I’m not going to share my Sour Patch Kids with you.

If interested, inquire within. Or just leave a trail of Sour Patch Kids behind you. I’ll be able to find you.

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