5 Secrets Of People Whose Homes Are Never Clean

I’m a liberal, therefore I am contractually obligated to read HuffPost every single day. Well, at least that’s what the internet says and the internet is always right, right? One day, while performing my daily duty I ran across an article titled, The 5 Secrets Of People Whose Homes Are Always Clean. First of all, I was shocked that “They Have a Maid” was not all five of the secrets and B.) bullshit.

I’m sure you’re out there, clean home people. In fact, I think I actually fraternize with a few of you. Perhaps the reason you have clean homes is because you adhere to HuffPo’s secrets instead of eating half a bag of Skittles while watching a Jersey Shore marathon, but that’s beside the point. Still, I’d have to argue that no one has ever had a clean house for more than 7 consecutive seconds because that is my experience and I believe it to be true of all people. That’s the other thing I learned on the internet, feelings are facts. The other other thing the internet taught me is that cats are super funny.

Since 97.68374% of my knowledge is centered around having a not so clean house I decided the world needed a list that showcased the breadth of my knowledge. I know. I know. It’s very selfless of me, but I am here to serve my readers. Plus, I have all sorts of time on my hands unlike those people who keep their house clean all the time. Suckers.

5 Secrets Of People Whose Homes Are Never Clean

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Everything in my home has a sticky residue.

1.) They have kids. As I stated before, my home has never been completely clean for more than seven consecutive seconds and that is due in part to the fact that I have chosen to procreate. I love my children, I do, more than I love myself, but children are sticky. One of my kids is a full grown adult and she is markedly less sticky than the one that is underage. Plus, she doesn’t live at home, so her stickiness doesn’t really impact my life anymore. The littler one, though, leaves a trail of sugary drops everywhere he goes. On the counter. On the dishwasher door. On the floor all the way to and from the fridge. No matter how often I break out the sponge, everything is sticky. Welcome to my Chocolate Factory, you can call me Willy.

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Tiny boulders of death.

 

2.) They have pets. I have a cat, Jojo. You may know her from such blog posts as, Relationship Status: It’s Complicated and A Day In The Life Of This Sick Blogger’s Cat. Jojo uses any opportunity to seek revenge on us. One of her favorite ways to be vengeful is to use the kitty litter box IMMEDIATELY after I clean it. I clean and scoop and sweep, making everything pristine, risking potential infection from her “deposits” only to have her hop right back in there and make more work for me. As if that weren’t petty enough, she makes extra certain to create a trail of litter carried from her fluffy paws all the way across the floor and throughout the house. If you thought Legos were murder on the feet, tiny boulders of dried clay are mass murder. Basically, Jojo is Ted Bundy.

3.) Their bodies are a little wonky. I’m not even going to pretend like my home was immaculate before I became ill. I was, at least, less sucky at housework before I had a softball sized tumor growing in my upper thigh. There were many weeks after my surgery where I was unable to walk on my own. As if you didn’t already know, it’s hard to run a vacuum when you’re using a cane. Oral chemo brought its own complications. After spending hours in the bathroom losing the entire contents of my bowels I didn’t much feel like washing dishes or wiping the dust from the slats of the blinds. Even today, I have times where the pain is just too much. The greatest thing about laundry, which also happens to be the worst thing about laundry, is that it will still be there when you’re able. Same goes for the dust and the dishes. I know this from vast experience.

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The sink was clean once, but in the span of time it took me to get my phone to document it someone snuck a dirty spoon in there.

4.) They have any type of food allergy. The husband and the little kid have food issues. I’ve got issues as well. No, no. Food issues. Ok, I’ve got other issues, too, but today we’re strictly talking about food. As a consequence of said issues, we rarely eat out. I don’t really mind. I love to cook and I’m thankful that I’m able to keep these fellas healthy. The downside to my home kitchen being our own personal IHOP is that there is a constant stream of dirty dishes. I’m forever loading or unloading the dishwasher or slowly whittling down the ever growing pile of syrup encrusted forks and plates. It never ends and the sink is never clean and that’s a reality we’re all just going to have to deal with. Luckily, my sink is deep and can hide a multitude of culinary sins.

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5.) They have a closet full of crap that is bursting at the seams and the contents are waiting to fall on them. We’ve recently moved. The day the movers came was the closest I’ve ever been to a psychotic break. When I first walked into our empty apartment I was certain the entire contents of our home would fit here. I suppose they would have, but at a certain point in the unpacking process I quite simply gave up. I was like, I’ve got dishes and clothes and a place to park my ass at night. I’m good. The rest of it just went into the back closet, which is now so precariously packed that every time the door is opened I fear I will meet my death via 857 boxes falling on my head. When we have a guest stay with us and they think they can use the closet for its intended purpose, I am forced to run scrambling to quickly shut the door lest they become a victim of my poor stacking job. It probably makes me look like I’m a serial killer and that’s where I hide the bodies, but in reality I just don’t want my friends and family to know I suck at cleaning. Besides, any fool knows you hide the bodies in the attic. Duh.

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75 thoughts on “5 Secrets Of People Whose Homes Are Never Clean

  1. True! All true. Fridge cleaning, that (among other things) is my weakness. What is really in there? I’m not sure and I don’t know that I want that kind of knowledge. Why didn’t I throw out that Green Goddess dressing again?

    I laughed my way through the post-Thank you! I think you’re right, the world needs more acknowledgment of the 7-second rule!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Our fridge is where good food goes to die. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “oh that’s where that went” since I’ve lived here. Of course, by the time I find it it’s got an entire mold ecosystem living on top of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Absolutely positively exactly unquestionably right! All the above. But I would add one thing. Stupid “open” floor plans that put all the rooms in view of each other. In spite of having offspring, animals, and being male, I’ve kept a fairly clean house for 30 some years. Then I moved into an apartment with its “open floor plan to create luxurious, spacious living areas. No wall is higher that 4 feet and there is no escape from any unwashed cup, unhung jacket, or unracked magazine. (Fortunately the bedroom maintains its privacy so we can avoid the unfluffed pillows. And then some.) Curse those architects and cheap apartment contractors!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hilarious!
    My cat = exactly like Jojo, *loves* to pee/poop in the just-cleaned (by ME) litterbox. Grrr.
    Other thoughts: At least you *have* a f—–g dishwasher! Grrr.
    At least you *have* a closet available to stack boxes ‘n’ shit in!
    At least *one* of your two kids is gone now!
    At least you *have* a husband. Oh wait, he’s like another kid. Grrr.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. What does it say about my husband that he’s the one leaving all the stickiness everywhere? I don’t even have kids, but I totally sympathize. Also, only HALF a bag of Skittles? Christine, it’s time to up your game.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes, yes, and yes. Like Emily, I too do not have children. I cannot imagine what will happen when I do. I will have to get a dishwasher, most definitely, and I will probably never vacuum again.

    PS I can hear my cat kicking his litter out of the litter box as I type this. -_-

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I am part of the 97.68374%. I refuse to be a dust bunny fanatic. There are more important things to accomplish, like bingeing Sherlock or starting a new serial-killer-murder-mystery. And yes, the cat litter …. omg.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I sort of like it when the dust bunnies are so big that you can pick them up as a ball of fluff. It feels like you are accomplishing more if you save the cleaning until they are huge.

      Liked by 3 people

  7. Eep. I don’t even have your excuses and I still find it hard to keep our flat clean! At the moment we don’t have much “stuff” or even furniture. You’ve thought that means it’d be easier to keep everything tidy…but as I don’t have draws to hide things in, it’s still messy.

    I’m a rubbish wife.

    Having said I don’t have your excuses, I do have a cat who does exactly what JoJo does…although he recently decided to abandon the litter tray. Now he goes and pees in our bath! So our bath is the one part of the house that is super clean because I have to disinfect it several times a day!!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Before kids, I usually had a room or a closet that would serve as a sort of ‘mess tent’ in the literal translation. I would just throw all my odd and end shit in there. The rest of the place was neat and organized. After kids, I tried to maintain one room or closet that was neat and organized because the rest of the place had been commandeered by my young ‘uns.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am immediately suspicious of anyone with a clean house. I bet Jeffrey Dahmer’s house was super-clean. Which is how he probably got all those young men to come inside. “Here, check out my fridge!” Ooops. About those kids, though. My kid is grown and she is the messiest person I have ever encountered. Thank goodness she lives in her own apartment which I never ever have to see.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Edward rushes to do something horrendous in the litter box immediately after I have scooped. Every. Single. Time. And it’s always extra terrible because he’s obviously has to force it out in order to defile on command. Bastards!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I have a cat who, despite having a cover over his tray, loves to play a game with me of ‘let’s see how much we can spread my litter all over the floor.’ I think he has far more fun playing it than I do…

    My excuse for not living in a pristine house? I’m lazy.

    Loved this!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hilarious! I haven’t yet read the “clean” article, but I can imagine that one of the tips is: use your children as free slave labor. At least that’s what my children tell me happens in other peoples houses – my kids have a few basic chores, which is healthy and necessary, but it seems like their friends have much more required of them (subsequently, my children tell me their houses are much cleaner than ours!) I think I’ll stick with quality family time over an excessively clean home.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. I am home alone today and still cant get it clean, as soon as I finished all the dishes did I pause for a snack a quick glass of juice and a sandwich, and suddenly the dirty plates are piling again and cant help thinking darn it, I should have drank juice directly from the bottle and made my sandwich in the plastic the bread comes with….. and the pet needs some serious house training, its newly adopted and nervous you ……eeew I think I just stepped on proof of its nervousness let me go take a shower and hope no guests arrive….
    ~B

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hahahaha being someone that doesn’t have kids yet I feel the pressure to keep that house clean…. I do OK…. but I work full time, and commute 3 additional hours every day – it’s tough!! I recently bought a Roomba though– and I tell you it’s worth every damn penny!!!!

    Great post! Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Well..I don’t have a cat..for obvious reasons or carpets…or a hoover…I have a witches broom and lots of gekos..who needs a cat…and my motto is if you put it away when you have finished with it then you never have to tidy up…It used to work well..very well…I now have a person or persons from the next generation living with me…Please move your shoes was this mornings request…well he did..all of 6 inches…grrrrrr…. 🙂 I m still smiling as apart from the cat…I can relate to most of it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Great post, Christine! I love it. I have one to add…it’s for those people who just hate housework!! That’s me! LOL! When my kids were little I’d spend my day picking up their toys just to have them get them back out. So I stopped and oh what a feeling…I also would rather spend my time writing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. We have a junk shower. The hall bathroom has a shower that we never use, so some stuff went in there one day to be out of the way when company came over. And then it just accumulated. My house still looks like shit, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Great post! I can totally relate. I got 4 kids and works full time too. I just gave up😊. Now my kids would ask me ” do we have visitors mom?” whenever I do a big effort in cleaning and tidying the house.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This was hilarious! Haha I don’t think I fell into many of the categories but we moved to a new place so I constantly feel like there’s more clutter to be dealt with. Sometimes I just feel too lazy to put everything back. Still haven’t had our house warming yet even though it’s been over 2 months since we’ve moved in.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I have to wonder if anyone’s house is ever TRULY clean. I am definitely the untidy type. Not dirty untidy, but messy untidy and I guess it’s the way I’ll always be! My life is WAY too busy and hectic to be on top of things and, as a teacher, I’m not going to lie, during term time the house is number clean!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. No joke, I am reading this while procrastinating in cleaning my house. I keep pushing out my “I’ll do it______” by 15 min. Not only does it suck but my children will throw themsleves on the floor in protest. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I love that you went for the attic rather than the basement. Basement is a rookie mistake: they’re damp, and while it’s usually nice and cool down there it’s really a temporary solution; your average attic will properly mummify a body (with decent ventilation) without the smell seeping into the rest of the house.

    And yes, I thought about all that instead of cleaning my house. Because I just can’t with anything today (see how I pretend today is somehow special?)

    Liked by 1 person

  23. The people that have perpetually clean houses have housecleaners. That’s a fact…because I cleaned houses for (almost 30 years) and still do part-time. I allow dishes to stay in my sink overnight-no guilt no shame. It is what it is …In my house..I’m a host mom for foreign kids for the school year so I try to keep it both colorful on the walls and in art and simple . and in the summer I always try to glean out what really isn’t necessary. We all collect. See if you can find someone to trade with say you bake cookies once a week and they come in and help you sort out the boxes. Or you help them where they are behind like the laundry…you might also just become amazing friends while doing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I enjoyed this 🙂
    I am a clean-house person, but sometimes I slack, because maybe not Skittles and Jersey Shore, but probably pistachios and somethin else.
    I have two kids still at home, so YES, and three cats and a dog, so YES, and we don’t eat out much, so YES. Now, I know people ho vacuum their pets and send their kids to so many activities they aren’t home enough to make a mess, but this is not my life. Life in my clean house involves pet hair tumbleweeds and almost constant dirty dishes. Sometimes, when the dish drainer is empty, I stare at it and smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I used to be a clean house person when younger and my boys were small. I was was a stay at home Mom and I stupidly worried that a clean house was expected if you were a full time Mom. I grew smarter as I got older so now when grandkids stop in my time is all theirs. Dust is for finger painting, cobwebs are extra insulation, and if the floors are already in need of cleaning another spill is no big deal. Do the dishes or finish that great book….the book will win.
    Thank you I enjoyed reading this.

    Liked by 1 person

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