Last week you may have read my ‘day in the life’ post. If you didn’t, you need to get on that. Go read it. Geez. This week I thought I’d open my world up to you even more, through the eyes of my cat, Jojo. If you follow my Instagram then you’re probably familiar with some of her antics. If you don’t, you need to get on that. Go follow me. Geez. It’s not really fair of me to constantly pick on the cat and never let her tell her side of the story. Jojo deserves to be heard and today that’s just what’s going to happen.
So, please enjoy, a day in the life of Jojo, as told by Jojo:
4:45 a.m. – Sun Tzu said it best in The Art of War, all warfare is based on deception. My deception begins at dawn. I wait for evidence that any of the adults may be awake. Begging the child is a useless pursuit. He doesn’t even know where the cat food is. I’m 98% assured that the female will feed me if I bother her enough. The male can sleep through anything, so it takes more energy to rouse him, energy that could be better put to use eating the plants around here or spazzing out for no reason in the middle of the night.
By the time she reaches for her phone she’s already under my control and she doesn’t even know it. I begin with a half purr/half meow as I jump onto the bed. She’s always a sucker for that one. If she doesn’t immediately get up to feed me, I begin my patented three pronged assault. If that fails, I move on to the male who is an adequate backup. I’ve been slowly training him and have gotten so far as to manipulate him into turning the faucet on for me to drink even though there is a fresh bowl of water mere inches away.
The female, though, she is the most dependable and that is where I focus my attention.
- I begin by tenderly walking upon her limbs. This gets her attention. In times of desperation I will move straight to the head, but usually stepping gradually harder and harder on her arms and legs will suffice.
- I then move my assault to whatever is in her direct line of vision, typically this is her phone. Whatever it is that she is watching is not the important part. I must know where here gaze is pointed and I must obstruct her view at all costs!
- If the actions in steps 1 & 2 fail I have no other option than to begin destroying things the female loves so dearly. I begin by chewing on her phone charger. Now, this may seem like a foolish move given that I may be electrocuted, but I use this to my advantage. I never bite the cord too hard and I prey upon her fear that I will die. If all this accomplishes is her shooing me away from the cord I move on to her books. I rub my face all over them, staining and bending pages, and eventually begin gnawing their corners. Works. Every. Single. Time.
Once the female has roused I impatiently pace back and forth between her legs in an effort to trip her up slightly. I’ve been told this speeds up the feeding process, but my humans have yet to yield to this device. The female always makes the male’s lunch, makes a pot of coffee, and takes her medicine before feeding me. The fact that I have been unable to manipulate her into feeding me first in the 15 years I have owned her is an occasional source of insecurity for me, but still I endure.
7 a.m. – 8 a.m. – Porch time, bitches!!
8 a.m. – 9 a.m. – After being scolded several times for eating the female’s orchids I am forced to retreat to the confines of the house. I establish dominance by immediately lying on the female’s side of the bed. She is so weakened by Trump’s presidency she almost always capitulates. If she doesn’t and tries to attempt dominance over me by pushing me out of the way, I hiss at her, but always move out of the way. She’s bigger than me, but I can shit in her shoe at any point in this arrangement. I am the one in control in this house.
9 a.m. – Noon – Sleep.
12:00 p.m. – 12:13 p.m. – Annoy or otherwise harass the female by gnawing on the ends of bananas or pushing puzzle pieces off the table. Occasionally, I have been known to bite the child for no apparent reason. These are all tactics used to confuse and weaken my opponents. The time varies, as I am careful not to establish a pattern that they can detect. This heightens their uncertainty and doubt.
12:14 p.m. – 4:45 p.m. – Sleep. Sometimes my sleep is briefly disturbed by the female’s obsession with Snapchat. Must find a way to destroy her phone, perhaps by peeing on it when she’s not looking. Trouble is, she’s never not looking.
4:45 p.m. – My deception begins again, as I masterfully cajole the humans into feeding me once more.
5 p.m. – 1:57 a.m. – Sleep.
1:58 – 2:17 a.m. – Make noise for no discernible reason. Change the time I do this every night. Continue my assault on their confidence. Weaken them.
2:18 a.m. – Hairball. Even though 60% of the floor is wood or tile I make certain to cough it up on the carpet.
2:19 a.m. – 4:45 a.m. – Sleep.
4:45 a.m. – Awaken and continue my quest for domination.