A Day In The Life Of This Sick Blogger

I’ve been at this gig at I’m Sick And So Are You for about 6 months now. I’ve published over 50 posts here and have had a couple of pieces published on other sites. I’ve come to know and love and even befriend some of you lovely folks. It’s been real nice. Since I’ve come to know a little bit more about some of you, I thought maybe it was time you got to know a little bit more about me, what my day is like, and what makes this sick blogger tick.

5-6 a.m. – Hear my husband start the shower and think to myself, why the fuck am I up this early? Fend off the cat’s fake affection. I know you just want to be fed, Jojo. The jig is up. Check Facebook, which is really just a ploy to stay in bed but pretend I’m accomplishing something. Get up, trip over the cat four times, make my husband’s lunch, shove him out the door, make a pot of coffee. Take my thyroid hormones. Immediately turn around and forget if I took my thyroid hormones or not. Feed the cat.

6 – 6:30 – Make the bed, pee (not on the bed), have a conversation with the big guy upstairs. Like, God, not my neighbors. And, it’s really not a conversation, it’s more of a monologue. God is such a talker.

7 – 8 a.m. – Sit outside on the porch with the cat. Drink coffee. Yell at the cat for eating my dying orchids. Drink more coffee. Do the rounds on social media. Shoo the cat away from my orchids. Read and comment on other blogs. Yell at the cat. Listen to my downstairs neighbors’ dogs kill each other. Tell the cat I’m going to feed her to those mongrels if she eats my orchids again. Read the news. Become mildly depressed. Give in and let the cat eat my orchids.

8 – 8:30ish– Defunkify myself, which may or may not include the following: a shower, removal of excess body hair, cursing the patriarchy, brushing my teeth, wondering if I’m too old to get braces, blow drying my hair, not understanding why I have to have a cowlick at the exact spot that makes my bangs get wonky, applying copious amounts of anti-aging creams, concealers, light diffusers, magic potions, and snapchat filters, getting dressed, determining if today is a fat wedding band day or a skinny wedding band day, desperately trying to remove the skinny wedding band after I realize it’s a fat wedding band day.

9 a.m. – Move the cat from my side of the bed so I can write in comfort. Forget my glasses, have to get up for approximately 15 seconds only to see the cat has returned to my spot on the bed, give up, move my computer to the kitchen table. Write. Edit. Read. Comment. Brainstorm. Create. Collaborate. Conspire. Whatever it takes.

10 – Noonish – This time period can encompass different things on different days. One day it was beginning to write a guest post for The Phil Factor and going to the pool with my son. The next day it was homeschool math and reading. Sometimes I just lie in bed and eat marshmallows and watch Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m a complex being. You’ll never figure me out.

Noonish – 2ish – Lunch, but more importantly – MORE COFFEE! Then, Snapchat!

I don’t know what’s more horrifying, me as a man or the rainbow glitter liquid of unknown origin oozing from my mouth. The hot dog is cute, though, you have to admit that.

After 2 – before dinner – About an hour or so more of homeschool. More writing, editing, brainstorming, etc. Then, I usually lose my will to live because I’m so tired but unable to consume more caffeine because it’ll keep me up all night, so I just lie down and watch an old ER rerun and cry because Doug was such a dick to Carol.

Dinnertime – Dinner, dishes, and other assorted bullshit. This is also where we swear we’re going to spend our evenings device free and play boardgames like the olden days, but then all scatter like the wind and retreat to separate rooms and play on our phones. Sometimes, after dinner, we can be lured away from our gadgets by the promise of an Italian Ice from the place down the street. Occasionally I’ll work out after dinner, but I’m not even going to try and pretend like I’m all Gwyneth Paltrowy, eating kale and steaming my vagina after a pilates session.

Evening – Evenings were made for pajamas, trash tv, and the occasional glass of mediocre wine. Nothing but kinda, sorta good will do. I have standards, ya know. Since the husband and I wake up so early now, I am usually way past exhausted before the sun is even thinking about going down. Usually I will slip into my jammies and watch whatever Andy Cohen is shilling on his network. Nothing like dysfunctional relationships and too much Botox to make a gal feel better about her life. This is also where my sister and I get our best bonding time. Making fun of vapid women helps to take the sting out of the fact that she’s now twelve hours away from me instead of just one.

9:30 – 10:00 p.m. – No lie, this is the time where I typically fall asleep. It’s ridiculous. If I had a grandpa, he’d for sure stay up later than I do.

2 – 4 a.m. – Maybe I go to sleep so early because my body is being prepared for the inevitable nugget of insomnia I have EVERY DAMN NIGHT. Typical events that occur in this two hour window may or may not include: the cat racing around the house and meowing for one of us to play with her, crippling anxiety, needing to pee, wondering if I put the load from the washer into the dryer, tossing and turning and wondering how old my mattress is, needing to pee again, kicking myself for not just having that cup of coffee that I worried would keep me up at night, seriously wondering if I put those clothes in the dryer because if I didn’t they are going to stink and I’m going to have to wash them again, cat walking on my face, finally getting up to pee, almost falling back to sleep, needing to pee again, just about falling asleep, almost there……..FUCK, DID I PUT THOSE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER OR NOT?!

5 a.m. – Wake up after the cat steps on my head and do it all over again.