I see so many lists telling me how I can be more happy, more grateful, and more centered in just a few easy steps. I’ve tried some of them and I have to tell you, dear readers, they DO NOT WORK. Not all lists are poppycock, though. I have compiled a list chock full of tried and true methods that guarantee anyone who implements them absolute and tremendous misery. I’m so excited for you to try them and find out for yourself just how easy it is to fuck up everything that is good in the world.
1.) Post a painfully biased political article with the word Nazi in the title on your Facebook page. When a debate breaks out, make sure to use words like ‘never’ and ‘always’ and ‘idiot’ in your argument. TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS A GREAT WAY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. Make it a top priority to tag an easily irritated friend from the other side of the political spectrum solely for the purpose of provocation. When you are at your peak level of aggravation, unfriend and block anyone who disagrees with you.
2.) Stay indoors. Close your windows. Never leave the house. Nature, like the mermaids who inhabit it, is trying to lure you to your death with it’s seductive song. There are trees out there and flowers and even birds! The forest does not have a 24 hour news cycle. You can’t play Candy Crush when you are paddling a canoe. It’s just awful out there. When the sun shines on your back and all around you is silence and you have a spare moment to ponder that you are just a speck in a vast and infinite world you are less likely to hate your fellow man. Gross, right?
3.) Sweat the small stuff. You’ve got to really, really get irate over the most insignificant difficulties in life. Overreact to any perceived slight while you’re at it. Just completely lose your shit. Slow wifi should make you legally exempt from a murder charge. You were born with the inalienable right for any story on your TMZ app to load instantaneously and don’t you forget it.
4.) If something bad occurs in your life, just pretend it didn’t happen. Have a fight with a friend? Walk away and shut them out. Don’t even give that sucker the time of day. Screw up at work? Just deny the incident took place and refuse to take accountability. Did a package fail to arrive on time because you screwed up the order? Take it out on the customer service representative that is trying to help you. Curse like a sailor and ask to speak to their boss after threatening to get them fired, but never admit wrongdoing.
5.) Bottle up your feelings and let resentments fester for days, weeks, months, and even years. Having an uncomfortable conversation with someone you love is vastly more damaging than acting as if nothing is wrong all the while stewing in your own agony and plotting their demise. If you’ve encountered pain and sadness you’re best to feign happiness lest you make those around you feel even slightly put out. Don’t forget that your life was meant to be lived for the enjoyment and satisfaction of others.
6.) Ignore potentially life threatening health issues and delay basic preventative screenings by repeating these three words over and over. It’ll be fine! Denial is the greatest weapon in the war against the top five causes of early death.
7.) Be extra wary of new things. In fact, you’re safest if you just don’t ever deviate from the same course of action you’ve had since you were five. Never try new foods. Avoid eye contact with anyone you don’t know. Don’t read books or consider the legitimacy of new ideologies. Absolutely steer clear of any new activities that might be challenging to you physically or mentally. Remain rigid in your thinking until the day you die.
8.) Find joy and purpose in material possessions. If it’s at all possible, put yourself in a great amount of debt so you can dress like a supermodel. Your car is who you are. Sure, you may only be able to afford a 1993 Honda Civic, but what you really deserve is a brand new Range Rover. Your true friends will only love you if you buy them expensive gifts for their birthday and all holidays, even the made up ones.
*Featured image made on Canva.com.