Take Your Platitude And Shove It Up Your……


……..your nose……

……your  ass…….

…….your car’s tailpipe…….

………your pant leg…….

I really don’t care at this point. Just shove it somewhere and leave it there. I literally could not care less where you put it, just stop putting it in my face. And, while we’re on the subject, it’s COULD NOT care less. It’s not COULD care less! If you COULD care less then you are not truly apathetic and that is the feeling (or lack thereof) you are trying to convey.

Dictionary.com defines a platitude as a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh and profound. I define a platitude as any saying that could be painted onto faux barn board and sold in a discount housewares chain for $19.99. Platitudes are the last stop on the wisdom train, the Hail Mary pass of advice thrown out just before reality sinks in and the only thing left in your arsenal is, “That sucks, man.”

This needs to end. We’re better than that. The English language is rife with odd and confusing rules, but it is also rich with amazing words such as bucolic and milquetoast that can be strung together to form much better sentiments than don’t worry, be happy. I propose an indefinite moratorium on trite sayings, starting immediately, and these should be the first to go.

It is what it is – Huh. You don’t say? It is? What it is? Hmmmmm, brilliant, profound even. So what you’re telling me is that it isn’t what it isn’t? Ah, yes. Thanks. Thanks for that, but Kurt Vonnegut’s “so it goes” is all anyone needs to express the fact that sometimes life sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. Hell, I’d even settle for “shit happens.” That way at least I’d get to curse.

Everything happens for a reason – And, exactly how is that supposed to make me feel better? Well, Susie, your tiny puppy was sucked into a drainpipe during a deluge and suffered a grisly death by drowning, BUT it did happen for a reason. That should make everything alright! Stop telling people this! It doesn’t help. The only person who gets to decide if there is a reason and what that reason may be is the person going through the difficult time and they get to do it in their own time and in their own way. Your assigning some profound meaning to another person’s misery belittles their actual emotions and you’re better than that. I think. I hope. If not, be better than that.

You can do anything you put your mind to – Quite literally, no you cannot. With Trump in The White House it’s hard for me say that, but let’s just all accept he’s the exception to the rule. My mother once told me she had a voice like a rusty hinge. She was right and I can tell you, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I never sang to my children. I even lip sync in the shower. I can’t sing and my voice is not Joplinesque, it’s just really, really bad. And, it’s not so bad it’s good and will one day have a movie made about it like Florence Foster Jenkins‘ voice. It’s awful. I accept it. I don’t have dreams of winning a grammy one day. I’ll put my mind to things I have at least a slight possibility of attaining, like Skittles taste tester. God, I hope that’s a real job.

Choose joy – Choose to shut your damn piehole when you get the urge to say something like this. Choose joy is the SERENITY NOW! of the 21st century. Yes, sometimes happiness is a choice, but sometimes your serotonin levels are off and these things can’t be so easily remedied. Sometimes you need to choose rage or choose sadness because that’s what you need to do at a certain point to deal with whatever you’re muddling through at the time. Using joy as a bandaid instead of owning your feelings and dealing with them is not a panacea. Those other feelings don’t magically disappear because you slapped a grin on your face. As the immortal words of Lloyd Braun tell us, serenity now, insanity later.

Now it’s your turn. Do tell. What platitude must absolutely, unequivocally, indubitably be immediately removed from life? 

Featured image courtesy of The Glad Stork
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