Slow News Day

All the boxes have been moved in. Maybe a third of them have been emptied. Just like me, their contents have found a new home. The cat is slowly adjusting. She’s found a new favorite window. North Carolina squirrels seem to be just as pleasing to the feline eye as the Florida ones. The cops haven’t been here in at least a day and a half. Life is going fairly well.

Traffic is so bad here my husband sometimes has to leave for work before the sun rises. This is the first morning since I’ve been here that I rose with him and I’ve got to tell you it sucks. I’m a morning person, but within reasonable limits. I’m not trying to be like Martha Stewart, waking up at four in the morning, baking a loaf of sourdough and playing the stock market while starching and ironing my army of button down oxfords. I’m not that eager.

So, here I sit. The cat’s been fed. The husband’s at work. The kid’s still asleep. I’ve said my prayers. I’m on my second cup of tea and it’s not even 9 am.  I cannot unpack any more boxes, just outright refuse to do it. I’m on strike. We’ll just have to live around them from now on. So, what’s a bored Floridian in North Carolina supposed to do?

If you said, read the local news and laugh your ass off, you win a damn prize because that’s what I did. First, let me give you a little education in Florida news. Well, to begin with, you have the Floriduh news, the kind of news you read and immediately say to yourself, that HAD to have happened in Florida. Such as:

DUI arrest: Man four times over BAL limit crashed into Teeki Hut, scalped himself, officers say

See What Happens When A Badass Horse Fights An Alligator

Woman Allegedly Had Sex With Dogs, Pondered Bigger Canine

Then you have the true hard crime, murderous rampage, drug bust, occasional shark attack Florida news. I’ll spare you those headlines because they sometimes contain the words “face eating” and you may be trying to enjoy breakfast. Trust me, though, it’s not good. When you tend to hear it over and over and over you get numb to it and the next thing you know you’re not even surprised to read about someone eating another person’s face off a few miles from where you live.

The headlines I’ve seen here are a little bit different than the ones I’m used to. Not one mention of face eating at all. In fact, no cannibalism of any sort! I did see one shark headline, but that was out of South Carolina and it didn’t involve a dead one in a Wal-Mart parking lot, so it doesn’t count.  No gator attacks, either. It’s as if North Carolina isn’t even trying to be newsworthy.

I did find an animal related headline:

Accident scatters chicken parts across highway

That was a top story, by the way. I think anything that makes the traffic worse here automatically leads the news cycle. I was curious what parts were scattered. Were they breasts, legs, or thighs? For the record, I’m a breast kind a gal. Upon further investigation I discovered they were chicken guts. I’m kind of afraid to drive around here if there are just random trucks filled with chicken innards flying down the highway.

This headline further stoked my fear of traveling local roads:

WATCH: Mysterious liquid splashes on truck, road in south Charlotte

I’m from Florida, so the minute I read that the liquid was yellow I knew it had to be urine. I mean, come on, that’s a gimme. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t urine. I know, I was disappointed as well. It was grease and cooking oil. So now I have to be on the lookout for attacks from chicken guts and flying grease. I guess that’s a step up from fearing face eaters. There was another article that caught my eye. The headline is snoozefest, but the first sentence was confusing enough to be somewhat interesting:

“A Puerto Rican beauty salon and salon called MyrAngel Beauty Institute will open its first U.S. location at the new Ayrsley development in Charlotte’s Steele Creek neighborhood.”

Is the MyrAngel Beauty Institute from Puerto Rico or is this hairdressing’s version of West Side Story? I doubt that’s the case, but at least I would want to read about the Tony and Maria of highlights and shaggy bobs. Damn. North Carolina news is so boring. Thankfully, I live in the age of the internet and I’m never more than one click away from the joy of reading an article about a drunk alligator having sex with a shark that’s eating someone’s face off. Never change, Florida, never change.

*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay.

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