What The Hell Is A Tarheel?

So, there’s this job in North Carolina…..

That’s how it all began, with a possibility. There was a job opening up. Maybe he’d go for it. Should he go for it? What would it hurt if he tried? He could always say no if they offered it. Eh, what the hell?

Five interviews and a heart attack later, I’m moving to North Carolina. I’m moving to North Carolina. Did you hear me? Because it seems like you’re not freaking out enough about it. You should be hyperventilating into a crumpled up paper bag on my behalf and look at you! Just look at you! You’re staring at a computer screen or your phone. Get it together! Freak out with me!

I lived in the same house from the day I born until the day I got married. Then, I moved 6 times in 11 years. Then, we moved into this house. We’ve spent 12 years here. I brought my son home from the hospital to this house. I sent my daughter away to college from here. I spent many, many, many a long sick day in bed under this roof. More importantly, though, I have stuffed the attic to capacity over the past dozen years and now I have to box it all up and schlep it to North Carolina.

See, I don’t really have an intense emotional connection to this house. This was supposed to be the starter house and then our real estate market crashed and we were under water in our mortgage and then I got sick and then we were just kind of here, forever it seemed. What I’m really worried about is the stuff, twelve freaking years of stuff. And, the fish tank. How the hell do you move fish? While we’re on the subject, how the hell do you drive a 15 year old cat 9 hours in the car when she’s only used to going 5 minutes to the vet every now and again? Drugs? Cocktails? Do cats like martinis?

I guess this is the perfect spot for me to tell you I live in Florida, the land of pristine beaches, face eaters, and the “cash me outside” girl. I’ve lived in Florida my whole life. I’ve seen snow once. One time, folks, once. I’M MOVING TO NORTH CAROLINA! It snows there! I own three long sleeved shirts and can go an entire year without wearing all of them. I’m moving to North Carolina. Whoa.

In order to allay my fears about moving I decided to do a little research and find some interesting facts about The Tarheel State. First and foremost, what in the holy hell is a tarheel? I found three different possible explanations, none of which were even remotely interesting, but involved the ruination of shoes, a practice that I am vehemently opposed to. Good shoes are everything!

Then, I remembered that each state has their own set of homeschool laws and I homeschool my kid and what if they have some bizarre guidelines that require me to hold a PhD or something? After some research I learned it’s all pretty simple and not very different from Florida homeschool laws. I would have to have him take a standardized test every year. That kinda sucks. Also, I have to name my school. Huh? And, I can’t ever change the name, so it’d better be a pretty damn good name.

Hmmmm. Name my school. Name my schoooooooool. Um. I should be able to come up with a name for a school. I’m a smart woman. Um. School name. Name of school. Ummmmmmm, 

Pajama Zone? No. That sounds ridiculous. 

Lazy Asses Doing Work In Bed? For fuck’s sake, woman. You’re better than this. 

School Academy University? Damn, this is harder than I thought. 

I’ll have to return to the naming of our homeschool later. Let’s go back to the interesting facts stuff!

  • North Carolina is the largest producer of sweet potatoes. Hey, I like sweet potatoes. Cool.
  • Krispy Kreme Doughnuts started there! Hell, yeah!
  • Charles Kuralt is from NC. Did you know he was married and had a secret family in another state for almost 30 years and nobody knew until he died? Crazy, huh?
  • Fact #21 on the list I read states,  “Winston-Salem was created when the two towns of Winston and Salem combined.” So, apparently North Carolina is so boring they have to pad their interesting facts list with boring stuff like this.
  • Pepsi was invented in North Carolina. Oh, no, I’d better not tell the husband. He’s a Coca-Cola man.
  • North Carolina “leads the nation in furniture, tobacco, brick, and textile production.” Bricks. Fascinating.

So, I’m moving to North Carolina and I’m totally cool about it, not at all panicked. I’m really handling it quite well.

Do people look behind the stove when they buy a house? I have never, ever cleaned behind my stove, like never. How do you clean behind a stove? OH MY GOD, I have paint in the garage from the early 2000’s. Fuck. 

Like I was saying, I’m dealing with it. Taking it like a champ. Completely not freaking out over here. I’m moving to North Carolina. I’m moving to North Carolina.