Like any good middle aged broad, I have back problems. Sometimes the pain happens when I push myself too hard physically and sometimes it comes on when I’m in the shower shaving my legs. It’s that kind of spontaneity that makes life exciting! I wish I could tell you that my latest back issue was brought on by my running three marathons back to back or saving a classroom full of children from a bear attack, but as best I can tell it happened because I sat in an uncomfortable chair for too long. Let that sink in, young people. Most likely your body has yet to betray you, but there will come a time in your life when just sitting can injure you.
I spent most of the weekend in bed, flat on my back, alternating heat and cold, and eating Aleve like Skittles. For the most part, it was boring as hell. When all hope seemed to be lost, and I was waiting for either the pain or the boredom to take me to Valhalla, the high priestess of trash TV bestowed upon me the ultimate gift – A ROCK OF LOVE MARATHON!
Rock of Love is an almost decade old Bachelor knockoff. The “bachelor” in this case is Bret Michaels, frontman of the 80’s hair band Poison and bandana fan extraordinaire. He didn’t really do much for high school me and I was soon to discover he definitely didn’t do anything for 40-something me, but the show, THIS MOTHERHUMPING SHOW, was just the train wreck I needed to nurse my aching back.
I didn’t come across the marathon until the tail end of Season 1, so the pack of perspective love interests was whittled down to just four ladies. At this point it was less like The Bachelor and more like Sister Wives. It was polygamy with lots of boobs and Aqua Net.
What Happens in Vegas Gets Televised for Decades to Come
The first episode took place in Las Vegas. The four ladies left vying for Bret’s heart were going to see him perform at a buffet, I think. The sign outside of the venue had a whole lot of information on it and the only words I could retain were Bret Michaels and buffet, so you put two and two together. Makes sense, since I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t selling out stadiums at this point.
Afterwards, they go backstage to see if they can handle the rock and roll lifestyle, which seems to include drinking Jagermeister straight from the bottle and yelling “wooooo” every 5 seconds. It becomes painfully evident that a couple of these girls have no idea how to pace themselves and are soon slurring unintelligible insults at their cleavage because they can’t lift their heads.
The redhead that was, according to one of her sister wives, “climbing on the bar like a cracked out cat” was the first to fall and she was promptly carried off like a sloppy sack of taters. So, Bret dines with the other three, an adorable girl with hair like a troll doll, a girl Troll Hair describes as a “hungry stripper”, and the other drunkard, who is ironically named Brandy.
Bless her heart, Hungry Stripper is really living up to her moniker. She is just shoveling in the raw oysters. Well, that’s not really sitting well with Brandy, who is desperately trying to hang on by putting a cloth napkin over her mouth. That cloth napkin is no match for the torrent of vomit that’s sure to come. Dry heave one, dry heave two, and RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
Hungry Stripper can’t be bothered to stop eating, so Troll Hair and Bret carry Brandy off to the toilet where a week’s worth of meals came out, along with an “I love you”, which Bret said was “one of the most touching moments” of his life. And, he proved how touched he was by Brandy’s declaration of love by spending the rest of the night with Troll Hair.
The next morning we see that Troll Hair got laid. You go, pumpkin! I hope you made him wear a condom. Redhead and Brandy wake up as co-mayors of Hangover City. Hungry Stripper has never felt better. She is radiating the glow that only 3 dozen raw oysters can give a girl.
Brandy got the ax at elimination. Bret claims it was because she was toying with him emotionally. Let’s be real, though, it was the puking.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
The parents! The parents are coming to dinner! I kept trying to picture my father taking part in an episode of Rock of Love. My vision went black. I think I suffered a mini stroke, but I recovered quickly enough to find out that when Redhead’s dad came to the house Bret remembered meeting him almost a decade earlier on a flight to Orlando, of all places, and found him “odd”. Folks, in the literary world, that is what we call foreshadowing. I am giddy with anticipation.
Hungry Stripper, her parents, and Bret bond over lunch and fart jokes. Truth be told, they seem like fun and genuine people. Troll Hair, her parents, and Bret go shopping and it’s as boring as it sounds. Redhead, her parents, and Bret have lunch and it’s everything I dreamed it would be. Odd Dad’s verbal tirade included calling Bret a liar and wanting to discuss prenups.
Back at the house, Hungry Stripper calls Redhead a slut and Odd Dad WAS NOT HAVING IT. Him and his tiny, creepy mustache run off to have a chat with Bret, who is doing his best impression of a prepubescent boxer, and it was as awkward as any conversation that includes the subject of dick sucking. Of course, Redhead got the ax, cause foreshadowing never lies.
Troll Hair vs. Hungry Stripper – Showdown in Cabo
It took me and my aching back at least 20 minutes to get to and from the bathroom, so I missed a good chunk of the beginning of this episode, but I walked in just in time to see Bret in Mexico telling Hungry Stripper he was having trouble with his dia-beet-us. That’s how he pronounced it, like he’s the Wilford Brimley of the rock world. Hungry Stripper didn’t seem to care that Bret was near death and laughed maniacally as she hit the gas on the dune buggy. Thankfully, Bret didn’t die and was able to take her to dinner. That’s when she dropped the love bomb and he reacted with a tense, “I don’t know what to say.” Ouch. He did know what to do, though, and quickly whisked her away to his room to boink her.
The next night, at dinner with Troll Hair, Bret had some issues with his dia-beet-us again and made that a teachable moment by showing her how to inject him with insulin if he’s ever rendered incapable. She seemed genuinely interested in not wanting him to die, so already she’s doing better than Hungry Stripper. Plus, Bret was super impressed that they were wearing matching bandanas that night. You can’t go wrong with love like that.
Troll hair did win Bret’s heart in the end, but I guess true love can’t really be found on reality TV because she dumped him at the reunion 6 months later. And, during my extensive research, I found out there were actually three seasons of Rock of Love. He never did have a lasting relationship with any of those chicks and I think he had a girlfriend for a lot of the time he was filming the show. Trash TV may not lead anyone down the road of love but, I’ve got to tell you, my back feels so much better now. Thank you, Trash TV. You never disappoint.
*Featured image courtesy of Pixabay.